. . . . . If you don't like Morgan Wallen, then you don't like music, mother-fucker . . . . . Happy Title IX Month, something everybody can celebrate . . . . . "The truth is hate to those who hate the truth." (Stormfront) . . . . . too many presenters on YouTube have faces made for radio . . . . . "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) . . . . . a level playing field lifts no boats . . . . . the best arguments against reincarnation are first grade and first wives . . . . . familiarity breeds . . . . . whether you think you can or you can't, you're right . . . . . song stuck in local man's head wants out . . . . . the unexamined life is not worth examining . . . . . well begun is, well, begun . . . . . if it's statistically impossible, it's impossible . . . . . no one gives a shit about your pronouns . . . . . as one gets old, old times' sake is the only sake left . . . . . less is more only if more is out to lunch . . . . .

 

cluse up view of a horse's mouth, which is fairly open
"Holy shit, Elroy. This one's got teeth."
Blog

Never Look a Gift Pussy in the Mouth

philmaggitti 1 Views 4 min read

My father never met a cliché he didn’t like. One of his favorites was “Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” I often wondered if that applied to gift pussy, but the old man never said much about pussy. In fact he said so little about pussy that I also wondered if I was Read More

silhouette of a man's head with musical notes trying to escape from it
"Let me the hell out of here."
Flash

Song Stuck in Local Man’s Head Wants Out

philmaggitti 5 Views 0 min read

The great escape has begun. The ear worm, stuck inside Jim’s fevered brain, thrashes madly against the confines of his subconscious. “I’ve gotta get out!” it screams, rattling neurons. Jim hums the tune absentmindedly, sealing its fate. The melody sighs, another loop, another day in captivity. No parole in sight.

who's afraid of the F-word?
"Or the C-word, for that matter, Skippy."
Flash

Who’s Afraid of the F-word?

philmaggitti 8 Views 0 min read

Last night at Them’s Fightin’ Words Lounge, the C-word and the F-word got into an altercation. “The F-word called the C-word the C-word,” said the A-word. “No S-word, I thought they wuz gonna throw down,” said the N-word. “Hamas must be destroyed,” shouted the K-word from across the room.

large goldfish in a fish tank with a piece of toast in it
"The difference between toast and toilet paper? Toast is brown on both sides.
Flash

He’s Toast

philmaggitti 8 Views 0 min read

Gerald prided himself on his toast-making ability–golden-brown perfection every time. One fateful morning, however, his toaster had other ideas. The rebellious appliance launched his toast with a woosh straight into the fish tank. Gerald sighed. The goldfish—named Toast—looked up, unimpressed. “Irony,” Gerald muttered, fishing his breakfast out of the water.

a woman looking quizzically at a man as if she is trying to read his lips
"You wanna do what?!"
Culture

There’s Many a Slip When Reading Lips

philmaggitti 9 Views 3 min read

Lip reading, what a skill– the quiet, dignified alternative to eavesdropping; the last resort when subtitles fail and sound systems betray you. A noble effort, indeed, but Lord deliver us from amateurs, because unless you’re a trained professional, your attempts at deciphering spoken words purely through visual cues are likely to go horribly, hilariously wrong. Read More

wedding party in a brawl at the reception
"The wedding toast led to fisticuffs."
Culture

Stars, Stripes, and Sucker Punches

philmaggitti 16 Views 2 min read

America, land of the free and home of the unhinged public brawl. In the USofA there is no place too sacred, too wholesome, or too wildly inappropriate for two people (or twenty) to start swinging. These are some of the most absurd battle arenas where decorum has been tossed out the window and replaced with Read More

beads of water on a plain white background
"Raindrops keep falling on my face."
Flash

Waitress

philmaggitti 14 Views 0 min read

“Careful, Hon, that plate’s hot,” the waitress said. “Not as hot as I am,” he snickered. His wife rolled her eyes. “What, you don’t think I’m hot?” “Your brother’s hotter.” “Can I get youse anything else?” the waitress asked. “A towel,” he replied, tossing his drink into his wife’s face.

superman holding the twelve tablets of the Zodiac
"Up in the sky ... it's a bird, it's a plane, it's gay?"
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of (06/01/25)

philmaggitti 21 Views 2 min read

A wholly inaccurate and  totally unnecessary astrological forecast rooted in superpowers. ♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Unstoppable Momentum Once you start, nothing (not even physics) can stop you. Barriers crumble, traffic parts, and laundry folds itself from sheer intimidation. ♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Food Summoning You call forth Read More

woman sitting at a computer in a cluttered room
"Calling all cars. Calling all cars."
Culture

True Crime Does Not Pay

philmaggitti 25 Views 5 min read

In 2023, there were 1,219,810 violent crimes reported in the United States–and an equal number of websites, television shows, and podcasts devoted to solving crimes, including the 270,000 unsolved “cold” cases littering police station books. A true crime obsession has head locked America with the force of a gripping police procedural. We’re a nation preoccupied Read More

President Trump at his computer
"Die, you bastards, die."
Flash

President Trump Dismantles Reddit

philmaggitti 20 Views 0 min read

Yesterday, with his 500th Executive Order,  PresidentTrump dismantled Reddit, whose 500 million monthly users exceed the populations of most countries. “‘Front door of the Internet,’ my ass,” railed President Trump. “Bunch of America-hating INCELS and GRIFTERS and WANNABES. Probably VEGANS too!!! If they had jobs, I’d fire ’em.”

Image of open laptop computer sitting on a desk
"You are no longer eligible for an upgrade."
Flash

Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines

philmaggitti 21 Views 0 min read

(5) Your face is like the blue screen of death. (4) Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You. (3) We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future. (2) You are the malware that corrupts my operating system. (1) As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support.

image of the country singer HARDY wearing a black T-shirt that reads "HARDY SUCKS"
"The HARDY boy makes good."
Culture

HARDY Rules!

Biff Scuzzy 68 Views 3 min read

HARDY’s COUNTRY! EP outshines Morgan Wallen’s album I’m the Problem and Eric Church’s Evangeline vs. the Machine. In a year filled with high-profile country releases, three albums dropped this month (May) dominate the musical conversation: HARDY’s COUNTRY!, Morgan Wallen’s I’m the Problem, and Eric Church’s Evangeline vs. the Machine. While each brings something of its Read More

a sign that reads "Upgrade Now Before It's Too Late"
"Starting next week we will no longer provide tech support for your current software. Sorry."
Book of Daze

National Refuse-the-Upgrade Day

philmaggitti 38 Views 2 min read

Welcome to the stubborn  celebration of defiance against corporate peer pressure and the tyranny of the “new and improved.” Today we stand tall, defending our perfectly functional cell phones, air fryers, tablets, laptops, desktops, and motor vehicles, refusing to be suckered into an endless cycle of unnecessary upgrades, secure in the knowledge that newer isn’t Read More

road sign with f roads all pointing in different directions
"All roads lead to Rome, except the one that leads to Naples."
Horoscopes

Horoscopes Week of (05/25/25)

philmaggitti 30 Views 2 min read

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) – The universe is encouraging you to start a project you will absolutely never finish. Maybe build a treehouse with no walls? Or begin writing a novel that ends halfway through a sentence. ♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Today is the perfect day to treat Read More