WEST CHESTER,Pa.—Atheism is the quickest-growing non-religion in the United States. To celebrate this encouraging development, we introduced recently an occasional series of articles by, for, and about atheists. We began with “Ask Nietzsche, Advice for Atheists,” a column designed to help atheists who find themselves caught in the sticky wickets often created by the bumptious believers of the world—folks whom only an imaginary, all-forgiving god could love.
Dear Friedrich:
My girlfriend of several weeks has a habit that could doom our relationship. Whenever we have sex, which is quite frequently and loudly, she begins screaming “Oh god, oh god, oh my god” right before she comes. The problem is, I’m an atheist, and I find this habit distracting. How do I tell her I’d like her to scream something else, preferably my name, instead?
Lester
Herr Lester:
Doesn’t your girlfriend know that god is gestorben? The neighbors are more likely to hear her screaming than god is.
You are not alone with this problem, mein Freund. It is more common than you think. It is also a good reason for dating only atheists. If you want to continue enjoying this woman’s company, however, perhaps you ought to have the “religion” discussion at this point. At least you’ll know to which god she is screaming, and she’ll know you’re an atheist. Thus, if she’s sensitive, she’ll start screaming for Zeus, the Great Pumpkin, or some other imaginary being when the clit hits the meatstick.
If you’re worried that your being an atheist will bother her, you might try counter programming. Just as she’s about to begin paging god next time, start screaming her name. Match her scream for scream, decibel for decibel. Maybe she’ll get the hint and start screaming your name instead of that other fellow’s.
You might also experiment with different positions if you haven’t done so already. According to the latest Nielsen research, more women voice-dial god from the missionary than from other positions, which are more likely to elicit a thunderous fuck me harder, you beastman, oh, baby, baby, or yes, yes, YESSSSS. These positions include but are not limited to doggie style, cowgirl, or flat iron We cannot recommend the seated scissor as more injuries are sustained in that position than any other, including seven stars around the moon.
Finally, may I recommend 69, the sacred number, the magical mystery tour. A woman with a mouthful of bratwurst isn’t going to be calling anyone’s name, and even if she is a ventriloquist and manages to eke out an “ahrurr ghurrd,” she’ll sound as if she’s speaking in tongues and you’ll still have the option of crushing her thighs against your ears and blocking out the sound, not to mention the light.
If all else fails, and you don’t want to resort to a ball gag, just let her pleas for god go in one ear and out the same one. At the end of the lay, it’s really no skin off your dogma.
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