March 2009 – postcards from the pug bus

Three Second Rule Extended During Recession

philmaggitti 428 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been dropped, will be extended to six seconds for the remainder of the current recession, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture spokesperson. “With so many Americans struggling to put food Read More

Religion

Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm

philmaggitti 406 Views 3 min read

REDMOND – Wash. – Microsoft’s CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, “the inspired binary word of the Lord,” is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama’s Silicone Holler. The company produces “salvation software for Jesus geeks.” Gates also announced that Glossolalia Read More

Culture

Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy

Chip Hilton 406 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Gwyneth Paltrow’s halting performance in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, proves that Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he said, “One swallow does not make a summer.” Ms. Paltrow, 36, who won an Oscar for her portrayal of Viola de Lesseps in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love, is in way over her head in Read More