WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush has added his voice to the rising chorus congratulating Britney Spears, who filed for divorce Monday from Kevin Federline, her husband of nearly three years and the father of her two young children.
The president took time out from watching election returns at the White House last night to call Ms. Spears and offer his support.
“My daughters, Jenna and Barbara, love to listen to your music while having a few beverages,” said the president. “I want you to know your commander in chief is totally on board with your decision to get a divorce. God forbid one of my girls would hook up with a dirtbag.”
During a ten-minute conversation, the president also told Ms. Spears, “The best thing to do when you’ve made the wrong decision is to admit it and move on. Don’t let your pride keep you from acknowledging your mistake. Sometimes when you stick to your guns, you wind up shooting yourself in the foot.”
“Gosh, when I heared it was the president, I nearly swallowed my gum,” said Ms. Spears.
“He seemed to know an awful lot about me. I felt kinda dumb, you know. I’m like, ‘I hope you’re winning the election, Mr. President’; and he’s like, ‘Heh, heh, heh, I ain’t running in this election, thank goodness.’ So I’m like, ‘Well, I hope when you do run again,’ but he’s like, ‘I can’t run for president no more ’cause I ain’t allowed to exceed myself.’
“So I’m like, ‘That’s what I told Kevin,’ and we had a laugh and said good-bye.”
Rumors surrounding the state of the union between Ms. Spears and Mr. Federline began swirling almost as soon as they had been married. Last Thanksgiving Ms. Spears threw Mr. Federline out of her Malibu mansion after she had caught him and several members of his posse trying to get her baby Sean Preston high by blowing marijuana smoke into his face.
Ms. Spears was so incensed she called a local garage and had Mr. Federline’s Ferrari towed away. Mr. Federline, whose drivers license was suspended at the time, was forced to take a taxi to a local motel. Mr. Federline lost his license for a year after he had rammed his Cadillac Escalade into the rear of a car driven by MSNBC.COM contributor Michael Ventre, who had alleged that Mr. Federline suffers from mange.
Several days after tossing Mr. Federline out, however, Ms. Spears relented and allowed him back into her home after she had gotten a call from the manager of the Malibu MiniMart, where Federline had applied for a job.
“Brit’s always been a sucker for the underdog,” said her sister Jaime Lynn. “The thought of Kevin working in a place where he loves to buy cigarettes and pork rinds just broke her heart. She gave him the Ferrari back and even let him put a stripper’s pole in the rec room, where he entertains his friends.”
Ms. Spears has, indeed, taken Mr. Federline’s toys from him in the past, but this is the first time she has filed for divorce. Her action begs three questions in the Hollywood community and beyond:
What took her so long? Will she take him back again? Who gives a big rat’s ass?
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