WASHINGTON, D.C.–The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will issue a two-finger proclamation sometime today, declaring that (1) January 3 will henceforth and hereinafter be known as National AARP Senior Sperm Day and (2) sperm samples provided by men older than fifty-five will compete in a seniors division in laboratory fertility tests.
The AARP declaration comes hard on the heels of the release of a National Academy of Sciences study, which found that as men get older, their sperm deteriorates, and this debilitated sperm (or senior moment) might contribute to certain birth defects.
“Our research arm indicates that differences in spermatic performance on laboratory tests peter out when older sperm competes against sperm of a similar vintage,” said AARP senior reproduction specialist George “Lento” Gonzales. “From the distance medley to agility tests to penetration measures, performance in the trenches demonstrates that mature sperm should not be discarded out of hand.”
Arguing that laboratory tests “are biased in favor of jackrabbit sperm,” Mr. Gonzales said mature sperm remains just as capable as the younger variety, which is not without cockups of its own.
“Young sperm is subject to more spillage, greater runoff, and more false starts,” said Mr. Gonzales, “and for every senior sperm that falls asleep or crashes into a vaginal wall before it reaches an egg, there’s a ‘green’ sperm that runs another sperm off the road or gets into a fight before it delivers its payload.
“The proof is in the putting, so to speak,” added Mr. Gonzales. “Strom Thurmond, Tony Randall, and Paul McCartney were all rowing on Golden Pond when they fathered children.”
In related news, presidential candidate and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden announced his support for a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the reproductive rights of senior sperm as long as their donors can pass a drug test. He stopped uncharacteristically short of demonstrating the viability of his own sperm.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
