Sporting Life

O.J. Simpson Vows to Find Real DirecTV Pirate

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EL SEGUNDO – After being ordered by a Florida judge to pay DirecTV $25,000 in damages, plus attorneys’ fees, for stealing the satellite platform’s signal, O.J. Simpson vowed that he “wouldn’t rest” until he had found the “real signal thieves.”

Despite Simpson’s pledge, a DirecTV representative claimed, “The evidence in this case was overwhelming.”

According to Dan Fawcett, executive VP of legal and business affairs at DirecTV, “The devices seized in Simpson’s home were connected to his TV and were receiving unauthorized signals at the time of the raid.”

The raid occurred in 2001 as part of a federal investigation into an ecstasy, money-laundering, and signal-pirating ring. No traces of ecstasy or laundered money were found in Simpson’s home, but authorities did find two devices used to pirate DirecTV signals.

Simpson, 58, and his lawyer, Yale Galanter, spoke to reporters after judge Joan A. Lenard had ruled against Simpson.

“We plan to appeal this unjust ruling,” said Galanter. “There is no evidence that Mr. Simpson knew or should have known that the devices in his home were illegal. He wasn’t even living in the house at the time. He was busy with his search for the real killers of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.”

Simpson told reporters he was the victim of judge Lenard’s “sexist thinking.” Then he added that he “may be nearing a breakthrough” in his search for his wife’s killers.

        “I’ve been watching this Natalee Holloway case in Aruba very closely,” said The Juice. “I think when authorities get to the bottom of that pond, they’re going to get to the bottom of the case; and when they do, we’ll know more about my Nicole’s real killers. The similarities between the cases are striking—both victims were blond and both had been drinking and getting wild with men the night they were killed.”

Prior to his interest in Natalee Holloway’s disappearance, Simpson had told the Fox News Channel’s Greta Van Susteren that his wife and Ron Goldman had faked their deaths by murdering look-alikes before fleeing to a tropical island. He now believes that either Nicole or Goldman “most likely killed that Holloway girl” because she had “seen through their disguises.”

In related news, O.J. Simpson has announced that he will spend Thanksgiving afternoon serving a gourmet meal to needy residents of the Miami suburb of Pinecrest. Although Simpson’s appearance at the Pinecrest Polo Association has been called “a cynical attempt to repair his image,” his attorney, Yale Galanter, insists, “This is coming from the heart. O.J. knows what it’s like to squeeze by on a $30,000-a-month pension while living in a modest, middle-six-figure house.”

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