postcards from the pug bus

postcards from the pug bus

lifting a leg on popular culture since 2004

Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

philmaggitti 430 Views 1 min read
New YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband.

The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could also result in the cancellation of the 2011-12 NBA season.

“More important,” said Metta World Peace (the player formerly known as Ron Artest), “this will leverage our buying power like a mother-fucker. There’s nearly 450 ballers in the NBA, that’s some heavy duty buying power. There’s no way them owners are gonna keep us from farting through silk.”

NBA players are known for their lavish spending. According to Nielsen Market Research, the average NBA player spends from 8.1 to 17.9 times more than his non-basketball counterparts in every spending category with the exception of child support.

“Cars, clothes, home theater systems, tattoos, tennis bracelets, travel, Dom Perignon—NBA players spend like there’s no tomorrow,” said Tower P. Nielsen, vice-president of spending trends at Nielsen Market Research.

“There didn’t used to be a no tomorrow but now there is,” said Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, who admitted that he hadn’t been following the negotiations between players and owners because “I thought the lockout meant I wasn’t allowed to read the sports page until the owners said so.”

One player likened decertification to “pulling up and shooting a three ball on a fast break instead of trying to beat your man to the hoop.”

In related news: NBA players union president Derek Fischer told reporters yesterday that he expects to be named head of the shopping co-op, which will be called the NBA Playas’ Klubb. 
   
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

You May Also Enjoy

Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout

philmaggitti

PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the Read More

NFL to Install 200 Gender-Appropriate Bathrooms for Super Bowl LI

philmaggitti

HOUSTON–The National Football League promises that Super Bowl LI, scheduled to be played in Houston on February 5, 2017, will be “the most all-inclusive, welcoming, and gender-affirmative Super Bowl in history.” The foundation of all that welcoming and affirmation will be two hundred “special bowls,” the centerpieces of new gender-appropriate rest rooms to be installed Read More

Terrell Owens Suspended by Monday Night Football

philmaggitti

NEW YORK – Monday Night Football has suspended Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens indefinitely for conduct detrimental to its commercials. Owens, who appeared in an infamous skit with Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan preceding an MNF telecast last November, was scheduled to appear in a follow-up to that controversial advert this year. The sequel Read More