“This guy and his wife, their two kids, their grandmother, and the family dog walk on stage . . .
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–The most offensive joke in history, “The Aristocrats,” was weaponized in a 2005 documentary film directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, the talking member of Penn and Teller. By then “The Aristocrats” was at least fifty years old, and was a legendary after-hours joke that comedians shared but never performed in public, usually vying to see who could spin the most disgusting version of the story.
Though “The Aristocrats” spread through the vaudeville/comedians’ world like mycelium, it didn’t poke its fly agaric (Amanita muscaria) head above ground until it starred in that movie, which did $6,132,550 at the box office, a number that indicates most people avoided the movie like it was a poisonous mushroom, even though it featured more than one hundred of the biggest names in entertainment, from George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, and Drew Cary to Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Saget, Paul Reiser, and Sarah Silverman telling, analyzing, and deconstructing the infamous joke.
If you are one of those fungus-phobic individuals, fear not. You are about to lose your virginity, and it won’t hurt a bit, unless you bust a gut laughing.
“The Aristocrats” begins with a man walking into a talent agent’s office. “I’ve got this great new act I think you’re going to love,” the man says.
The talent agent asks him to describe the act, and the man begins, “First my wife and I walk out on stage. We take off our clothes. We commence to have torrid, blood-drawing sex . . ..” The man continues to describe in the vilest language imaginable acts of incest, bestiality, corporaphilia, sodomy, cock fingering, pedophilia, and worse. These acts involve not only the man and his wife but also their two children, the family dog (who in some versions is crippled), and one or more of the couple’s parents and/or grandparents, at least one of whom is in a wheelchair. When the man finally stops, the agent says, “That’s an unusual act. What do you call yourselves?”
To navigate through the bog that is this “joke,” it helps to have a map. We provide as a public service, therefore, a fill-in-the-blanks version of “The Aristocrats,” which you are free to adapt for your own purposes and family occasions. It’s guaranteed to clear a room fast or your money back.
A man walks into a talent agency, hoping to sell his new family-oriented act. The talent agent asks what the act involves, and the man replies: “First my wife and I get naked and proceed to have screaming, blood-drawing sex. I then %#*@ in her mouth and make her *$%# my [manhood]. I then &$%# her again and lick the remnants of [feces] and sperm off her, then French kiss her. Then I cover her mouth with my hand and punch her in the stomach and watch stuff fly out of her nose. Then my daughter comes in and I &$%# her in the [posterior] while I *$%# my son’s [manhood]. While this is going on, my wife starts [banging] my father. I then &$%# my mother and father while my wife &$%# our kids. Then I blow my dad’s [anus] and [masturbate] him. Then the dog limps in and I &$%# it, too. I then shoot my mother in the butt and &$%# the bullet hole. We all join in the fun and [urinate] on one another. We [defecate] in the piss and blood and then puke in it. Then we scoop it into a kiddie pool. We jump into the pool and &$%# the hell out of each other. We slurp up everything in the pool and puke it on the audience, Gallagher style. Then we take a bow and leave.”
The Talent agent says: “Holy shit! Whats the act called?”
“The Aristocrats.”
Next Ellen: Why lesbians find “The Aristocrats” joke offensive.
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