By Phil Maggitti
Dec 17, 2019 – 4:07
EAST OPP, Ala.—The Lord God Almighty announced via Snapchat, Twitter, and Gab yesterday that he is going to load-manage Jesus during the next Hebrew year, 5781, which begins September 19, 2020, and ends on September 6, 2021.
“Load management,” a clumsy yet ineffective synonym for “rest,” is popular among monkey-see-monkey-do coaches in the National Basketball Association (NBA). The Toronto Raptors, current NBA champions, load-managed Kawhi Leonard twenty-two out of eighty-two regular-season games last season. The gold standard for gold bricking.
Explaining that Jesus is too valuable a property to enter the heart of “every loser with his putz in a wringer,” The Lord God Almighty warned that Jesus would be entering fewer hearts this year; and he would not be doing back-to-backs, i.e., entering two hearts in consecutive minutes.
“Don’t write a check with your behavior that you can’t cash with your prayers,” warned The Lord God Almighty, whose announcement confirmed what religious leaders had been whispering quietly among themselves for some time—there’s no free ride to forgiveness any more.
Nobody knows that better than Richard C. Pettinger. An unemployed carpet installer, Mr. Pettinger, 26, has been in and out of correctional institutions since he was arrested at the age of thirteen for setting fire to a kitten. His most recent arrest—and his fifth DUI—came on December 7 when he led police on a low-speed, one-mile chase after they had responded to complaints that a man was exposing himself in the parking lot of a Winn-Dixie convenience store.
After Mr. Pettinger had been apprehended and taken to the county prison, he called Everett M. Clark, pastor of East Opp’s First United Methodist Church. When Rev. Clark arrived at the prison, Mr. Pettinger said he was ready to accept Jesus into his heart. He asked Rev. Clark to pray with him, and the two men knelt in the cell. No sooner had Mr. Pettinger finished his prayer than Rev. Clark heard a voice saying, “Tell him Jesus is unavailable, coach’s decision.”
Apparently the get-out-of-jail-free card isn’t worth two shekels any more. “Most people who invite Jesus into their hearts on Friday night are drunk again by Sunday afternoon. I don’t care if Jesus never sees the inside of a drunkard’s heart again, and neither does he.”
To eliminate that possibility The Lord God Almighty will beta-test a six-month mandatory waiting period in selective US markets on all requests for Jesus coming from the inebriated, recently divorced, unemployed, imprisoned, or hallucinating. The Lord God Almighty also hinted that he is close to establishing a two-strikes-and-you’re-out rule for those who continue to sin after Jesus enters their hearts.
Next Ellen: Is the Holy Spirit masculine or feminine?
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