WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–”Screw the pooch”—short for “fuck the dog”— is an expression made popular in Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book about the Mercury space program, The Right Stuff. To screw the pooch is to commit a horribly wrong and embarrassing mistake, one from which there is no recovering. Predictably dogs hate the expression because . . .
1. In real life everybody knows you’re a dog.
2. People are just getting used to the idea of gay marriage.
3. The expression is ass backward, according to all those German shepherds that appear in porn movies.
4. Cats got to choose first, therefore, we kick cats and screw pooches.
5. Pooch has unfortunate connotations, among them “lap dog” and “worthless-piece-of-shit dog.”
6. “Man’s best friend” doesn’t mean “man’s best friend with benefits.”
7. The parlor game Screw the Pooch is offensive and has caused serious injuries to dogs.
8. “Screw the pooch” is a gateway expression that leads to other, more disgusting, expressions like “doggy style,” “shoot the puppy,” or “dead dog bounce.”
9. What if screwing the pooch becomes a recognized service dog “service”? Imagine all the bother that will cause on airplanes.
10. Just because dogs sniff our business doesn’t mean they want us to fuck them.
Next Ellen: Why lesbians never screw their pooches
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
