WASHINGTON, D.C. – Blackwater USA, the rogue security company accused of sport killing innocent civilians in Iraq, has agreed to provide “tactical enforcement capabilities” for the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America).
“We are proud to be working with the RIAA,” said Blackwater founder, Erik Prince, on 60 Minutes Sunday night. “Every time a scumbag college kid living off his daddy’s credit card downloads music, the terrorists win. We have the resources to do something about that.”
By signing its historic pact with Blackwater—which is authorized to use “all necessary force” to deliver subpoenas and to monitor the collection of pretrial judgements—the RIAA has signaled its intent to take the fight against music pirates to the next level.
“Winning outrageous judgments against single mothers by bribing judges and packing juries with Neanderthals is gratifying,” said RIAA Chairman & CEO Mitch Brainwall, “but that process is slower than a dial-up Internet connection. When you’ve got the world’s largest private army knocking down, I mean ‘knocking on,’ doors for you, people tend to take notice. If you don’t believe me, ask the surviving relatives of Iraqi civilians who resisted Blackwater’s directives.”
Mr. Prince, an Anderson Cooper look-alike, would not disclose the terms of Blackwater’s contract with the RIAA. He did say, however, that Blackwater troops would be “targeting” college campuses where administrators were slow in delivering the RIAA’s pretrial settlement offers to students.
“We’re going to make Kent State University our first stop,” he said. “Considering what happened there in 1969 (National Guardsmen killed four students who were protesting the Vietnam War), we feel Kent State is the ideal place to launch the RIAA’s shock and awe campaign against music pirates.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
