News

Jerry Garcia’s Toilet Stolen, Bill Walton Is Suspect

an image

SONOMA, Calif. – Jerry Garcia’s toilet is missing, and local police want to speak to hall of fame basketball player Bill Walton. The salmon-colored, guitar-
shaped commode with a hand-painted peace sign on the underside of the lid disappeared recently from a driveway along with three other toilets and a bidet, said a police spokesman.

Mr. Walton, 53, now an ABC/ESPN basketball analyst, was seen at Barking Dog Roasters, a coffee house in the Sonoma area, shortly before Mr. Garcia’s toilet disappeared.

“Mr. Walton’s reputation as a disciple of Mr. Garcia and his band the Grateful Dead—as well as Mr. Walton’s presence in Sonoma recently—makes him a person of interest,” said Sonoma police chief, Wilf Liberty.

Mr. Walton’s allegiance to the Grateful Dead, the band with whom Mr. Garcia was associated from 1965 until his death thirty years later, is well documented. Mr. Walton attended nearly seven hundred Grateful Dead concerts; he played onstage with the band on occasion; and he traveled to Egypt with the Dead when they played at the Great Pyramids during a lunar eclipse in September 1978.

        In addition, Mr. Walton was one of a select few invited to Mr. Garcia’s funeral; and Mr. Garcia was frequently a guest at Mr. Walton’s San Diego home, where Mr. Garcia was often seen dancing naked around the huge tepee in the back yard.

Known to his fellow Deadheads as “Grateful Red,” Mr. Walton has memorized the lyrics of every Grateful Dead song. He often confounds people, especially television viewers, by quoting those lyrics to illustrate a point. During a recent Lakers broadcast, for example, Mr. Walton described the play of Kobe Bryant thusly, “It’s just a box of rain; I don’t know who put it there; believe it if you need it; or leave it if you dare.”

“Bill certainly put Jerry on a throne,” said John Perry Barlow, who wrote the lyrics of a number of Grateful Dead songs. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Bill wanted to sit on that throne himself. He often referred to Jerry’s toilet as the greatest toilet in the history of bathrooms.”

Mr. Garcia’s unique toilet belonged to Henry Koltys, who bought Mr. Garcia’s Marin County house for $1.39 million in 1997. After Mr. Koltys had subsequently sold the house, he moved the toilet and other items to his house in Sonoma, about forty miles north of San Francisco.

        Last month, Mr. Koltys sold the toilet for $2,550 to an online casino, which planned to use it as part of a traveling marketing exhibit. The casino is offering a $250 reward for the toilet’s safe return.

Mr. Walton, who declined to be interviewed for this piece, is a major Jerry Garcia memorabilia collector. Included in his extensive collection are Mr. Garcia’s back scrubber, Weber grill, Birkenstocks, and a vial of bong water.

When we sent Mr. Walton an e-mail requesting an interview, we received the following reply, “There are times when I can help you out and times that you must fall. There are times when you must live in doubt, and I can’t help at all.”

In related news, Sonoma police chief Liberty refused to name the individuals to whom the other toilets and the bidet in Mr. Koltys’ driveway belonged.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.