LOS ANGELES – Pop diva Mariah Carey declared after last night’s Grammy awards that her “brilliant comeback year” was over. While one assistant held her Optifast drink and another held her three Grammys, a tearful Ms. Carey told members of the press, “You won’t have Mimi to kick around any more.”
Ms. Carey was clearly disappointed that she had won Grammys in only three of the eight categories in which she had been nominated. Her wins included best female R&B vocal performance (“We Belong Together”), best contemporary R&B Album (The Emancipation of Mimi), and best R&B song (“We Belong Together”).
Ms. Carey was beaten, however, in the more prestigious categories of record of the year, which went to punk-pop band Green Day for “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”; album of the year, which went to U2 for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb; and song of the year, which went to U2 for “Sometimes You Can’t Make It on Your Own.”
One of the many sources close to Ms. Carey said the diva was going to take the rest of 2006 off to plan her next album and comeback. Ms. Carey herself appeared to corroborate that report.
“It’s been sixteen years since I won my last Grammy,” she said. “If that doesn’t prove the Grammy thingie is prejudiced against biracial performers, I don’t know what does; but don’t worry, I’ll take some time off to get a new album and nickname together and I’ll be back.”
In related news, U2’s frontman, the loquacious Bono, gave a candid speech in accepting the song-of-the-year award for “Sometimes You Can’t Make It on Your Own.” The Irish singer told the Staples Center audience, “I want to thank the boys in my band, you know who you are, but most importantly I want to thank my father, Jesus, for giving me voice and attitude.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
