NEW YORK – Apparently persuaded that money can buy him love, former Beatle Paul McCartney has released “Penny Stocks,” an album he recorded at London’s historic Abbey Road Studio for the newly created Fidelity Investments label.
Earlier this year McCartney, 63, signed a lucrative ten-figure contract with Fidelity that will guarantee him financial security for the rest of his life and funding for his current tour, which begins this Friday in Miami. In return McCartney agreed to cut reworked versions of a dozen songs from the Beatles catalog.
In addition to its title song, “Penny Stocks” will include “Michelle, Don’t Sell,” “A Hard Day’s Trading,” “I Want to Hold Your Mortgage,” “Taxman,” “With a Little Help from My Broker,” “All You Need Is Leverage,” “I’ll Follow the Sum,” “Maxwell’s Silver Dollars,” “Strawberry Fields Condominiums,” “You Never Give Me Your Money,” and “Paper Trail Writer.”
“Songs about revolution and changing the world are fine when your audience is young and reckless,” said McCartney between tokes on his ever present blunt. “But after they’ve had kids, made a little coin, and gone soft, it’s different strokes for different folks.”
When he was asked if he was worried that some of his fans might accuse him of selling out, McCartney blew smoke through his nostrils and sneered. “People who can afford to buy tickets to see me don’t have any business accusing anybody of selling out. Besides, everybody sells out. If you don’t, you wind up like those old people in New Orleans, living on a $2,000 debit card and getting patronized by Barbara Bush.”
According to Claire Huang, Fidelity’s executive vice president for advertising, McCartney approached the privately held mutual fund giant for help in financing his latest tour. The company said yes after McCartney had agreed to allow Fidelity to set up investment kiosks in the parking lots and concourses of the venues where he will perform “Yesterday,” “Eleanor Rigby,” and at least half a dozen songs from “Penny Stocks.”
Huang admitted privately that Fidelity was “a little worried” about McCartney’s lingering bad boy image and his penchant for controversial stunts such as leading his late wife Linda’s pony down the aisle of a church during a memorial service in her honor.
“Botom line, Fidelity had no choice” said one of its competitors. “Their Krugerrands were in a wringer. They’ve run off the road more often than Billy Joel here lately.”
Indeed, a survey released by Pensions & Investments magazine reports that Fidelity dropped from third place to fifth among the world’s largest money managers. Moreover, Fidelity has attracted the attention of federal securities regulators in recent months because of an alleged stock trader gift scandal.
At least one other member of rock’s old guard praised McCartney for his association with Fidelity.
“Paul’s got a good business head on his shoulders,” said Mick Jagger. “These corporate star[lovers] will pay good money to drink Dom Perignon with rock stars.”
As for younger, more socially relevant bands, they don’t seem to be much aware of people like Jagger and McCartney one way or the other.
“Paul McCartney? Is he the one that wrote the “Sweet Neo-Con” song then tried to cover his [butt] by claiming it wasn’t about our [butt]hole president?” asked Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong. “What a [wussy]. He’s just coppin’ our licks if you ask me.”
In other news, George Foreman said he expects his new combination grill and small animal crematorium to hit retail stores “by the end of the week.”
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