LOS ANGELES – The international furor created by Newsweek‘s bogus story about the desecration of the Koran by US interpreters in Guantanamo Bay has made the Muslims’ sacred text an overnight status symbol in Hollywood. Celebrities who carried Chihuahuas into chic restaurants yesterday now show up with slightly worn copies of the Koran wrapped in protective cloths.
Secondhand-book sellers are pestered with calls from the assistants of Hollywood’s top stars. Big name producers who gave lavish parties for MoveOn.org last fall are now hosting Koran study groups. And high-end boutiques can’t keep enough head scarves in stock.
“Hollywood hasn’t seen anything like this since the ‘Fahrenheit 911’ craze,” said US Weekly editor Janice Min.
According to Min, the next issue of Us Weekly will feature three Koran articles: the lead story, which is called “How the Koran Led Brad to Angelina”; a lifestyle article called “The Koran Diet”; and an FYI piece entitled “Ten Things You Need to Know about the Koran.”
Meanwhile studios are tripping all over their expense accounts courting writers who have Koran-based treatments to offer. Miramax, which has optioned “The Life of Allah,” a work in progress by “Beautiful Mind” screenwriter Akiva Goldsman, is said to be interested in Russell Crowe for the lead.
Several television channels are expected to play their version of the Koran card in the near future. First out of the box is expected to be an episode of South Park in which Cartman urinates on the Koran to taunt a Muslim student. MTV is planning a miniseries called “Pimp My Mosque” in which celebrities show off the mosques recently added to their homes and then read their favorite passages from the Koran.
The White House, which does not always condone, much less endorse, the entertainment industry’s choices, has nothing but praise for Koranmania.
“The more we can demonstrate to our Muslim friends that the Koran is as much a part of American culture as falafel burgers,” said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “the sooner we can repair the damage to American prestige in the Muslim world caused by this country’s irresponsible left-wing media.”
In related news, president George W. Bush has designated the first week in June as Koran Awareness Week. The president will visit several elementary schools during the week to read from an illustrated children’s version of the Koran.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
