STILLWATER, N.J. – The celebrated piece of toast with a carved likeness of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks on it has gone missing. Perry Lonzello, 48, of Stillwater, N.J., who drew the startling image of Wilbanks onto a slice of toasted Wonder Bread two weeks ago, placed a frantic call to 911 late last night.
“She’s gone!” cried Lonzello. “She’s gone! My Jennifer toast is gone. Someone’s kidnapped her.”
“Are you sure she’s been kidnapped?” the 911 operator replied. “Maybe she just got cold feet.”
According to Lonzello, he put the toast into a vented Tupperware container and placed it on top of his dresser before he went to bed last night. When he got up to get a drink of water a few hours later, the top of the Tupperware container lay on the floor next to the dresser and the toast was gone. Oddly enough, none of the toast’s personal effects were missing.
Police who responded to Lonzello’s 911 call said he accompanied them voluntarily to headquarters for questioning. Although stopping short of saying Lonzello was a suspect in the disappearance, police said they were “concerned” about suspicious-looking crumbs on his mustache.
The Jennifer toast came to prominence when Lonzello offered it for sale on eBay nine days ago. The toast’s amazing likeness to the human Jennifer Wilbanks—right down to her glazed, demented stare—drew national attention from pop art collectors and toast fetishists alike.
When the auction ended last Sunday, the toast had commanded a winning bid of $15,400. The buyer, a California podiatrist, reneged, however, saying he had been “only fooling around.” He later accused Lonzello of fraud for failing to reveal that the toast had been a suspect in the disappearance of several items around Lonzello’s house—and that the toast had had breast implants. Lonzello responded angrily to those accusations.
“My Jenny toast had nothing to do with any disappearances around here,” said Lonzello. “I’m convinced it was the Hispanic man toast. As for the breast implants, that’s between the Jennifer toast and me.”
Lonzello admitted that his Jennifer toast “had been complaining a little” about the stress of moving all the way across the country. In addition, he reported, she didn’t like seeing her picture in newspapers and on the Internet.
“She was never entirely comfortable in her own skin,” said Lonzello, “but I don’t think she’d do anything rash like running away. We were too close for that. I fear something’s happened to her.”
In related news, the Wonder Bread company is offering a year’s supply of Wonder Bread and rolls to anyone who provides information leading to the safe return of the Jennifer toast.
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