LAS VEGAS – According to oddsmakers here, the over-under figure for the Renee Zellweger-Kenny Chesney marriage is eight months, and most of the early money has been wagered on the under. Vegas actuaries who determine the odds for celebrity marriages say that a number of reasons account for those trends.
“This one’s got virtually no shot,” said noted handicapper Vegas Vic. “Even for a starter marriage it smells like cheap toilet water and looks like a zircon.”
Noted behavior analyst Dr. Phil McGraw concurs with that assessment.
“I’m betting heavy on the under,” chuckled McGraw, “and I’m coupling it with a ‘her first’ bet on the separation announcement.
“To begin with,” continued McGraw, “outdoor weddings in precious, exotic settings—a beach in the Virgin Islands in this case—are like a kazoo in a symphony orchestra: a cute novelty with a voice that soon becomes annoying. If you don’t believe me, ask Jennifer Aniston.”
McGraw said that people who marry out of doors are afraid the scent of fear would be too noticeable in a church. They’re also hoping the hip setting will validate what is otherwise “your basic case of two people in heat making a foolish mistake.”
The groom’s unorthodox get-up also spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E, said Vegas Vic. “Barefoot and wearing a cowboy hat? Gimme a break! How would you feel if your daughter called home and announced that she had just married a guy she met four months ago and he had showed up at the wedding in a cowboy hat but no shoes? Where did these people register for wedding gifts, the Hee-Haw Boutique? Even Wal-Mart queens will look down their noses at this one.”
A California businessman having dinner at the Las Vegas Hilton said he “had loaded up on the under” because of Zellweger’s “thing” for musicians. That thing is, indeed, prodigious. Zellweger has been linked with Jack White of The White Stripes, with Irish singer-songwriter Damien Rice, and with half the male artists at Virgin Records. At one memorable point she was dating musicians with albums in the top ten on the rock, alternative rock, pop, blues, rap, and gospel charts.
“She’ll be jonesing for a new singer eventually,” said the businessman. “After six months of marriage even Keith Richards will start looking good.”
A divorced mother of two who was interviewed outside the Stardust said the difference in wedding attire between Zellweger and Chesney was what led her to “bet the alimony check” on the under.
“She’s in a white Carolina Herrera like she’s headed for the Oscars, and he’s in some Hats ‘R Us creation tailor made for wet T-shirt night down at Bubba’s Ribs and Horseshoes. It’s like their publicists told them to be sure to dress in character.”
Like many of the under-betters, the divorcee “smelled a publicity rat” in this marriage. Chesney opens a forty-six-city tour tomorrow, while Zellweger hits the road soon to promote “Cinderella Man,” a boxing movie in which she co-stars with Russell Crowe.
Before grabbing headlines from Jennifer Wilbanks and Michael Jackson, Zellweger had been in the news briefly for accusing photographers of Photoshopping pictures of her to make her look thin, thereby fueling speculation that she suffers from an eating disorder.
In related news, Las Vegas odds makers caution that all bets are off if the female minister who married Zellweger and Chesney turns out not to be legally ordained.
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