BAGHDAD – Condoleezza Rice paid a surprise visit to Iraq today to entertain American troops there, unveiling a seldom-seen dimension of her personality—a kick-ass talent for singing and dancing. Rice took the stage in an impromptu “arena” set up in the heavily guarded “green zone” of Baghdad and proceeded to rock the house for the next two-and-a-half hours.
“I was expecting the usual we-appreciate-your-sacrifice speech and maybe some visiting-dignitary chow,” said Lieutenant Graham McCallister of Opp, Alabama. “When she came struttin” out in that sequined dress with the see-through top, I about shit.”
Rice’s tour de forces featured three costume changes and two-dozen carefully chosen songs that ran the gamut from soft rock, great American standards, and Nora Jones covers through Christian rap and novelty tunes such as “Little Pink Houses,” which mocks gay marriage. The lithe, leggy Secretary of State was accompanied by the Abstinence Singers, the Red State Dancers, and a fourteen-piece orchestra led by John Tesh.
“Condi totally rocked,” said Tesh on a VH-1 interview following the show. “The troops went spastic when she sang ‘Bored in the U.S.A.’ in an American flag jump suit. No offense meant, but Colin Powell’s tired soft shoe routines don’t hold a candle to Condi singing ‘They Call Me Brown Sugar’ in a halter top and hot pants.”
According to a White House source, a fleet of eighteen-wheelers was required to haul the massive stage into place. The stage was flanked by full-scale replicas of Minute Man missiles, and during Rice’s encore, “Sympathy for the Dubya,” she emerged from a Bradley tank wearing a George Bush mask and a flight suit.
According to Rolling Stone magazine, which apparently had received advance notice about Rice’s performance, lighting was handled by Skip Duncan, who is on loan from the latest faux ending of the Cher retirement tour.
Security, of course, was tight, but the White House source defended the expense and the risk involved.
“We’re the world’s only superpower, and it was important to let the world know that despite the president’s lagging popularity at home, we’re still strong enough to put on a concert anywhere in the goddamn world that we want to—even if we have to invade the place and bomb the crap out of it first.”
In related news, President Bush, who was not informed about the concert until after it had been completed, said had also been informed that Rice will tour Blue States this summer “to entertain our people behind enemy lines there.”
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