NEW YORK—President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. Currently English is the official language in thirty-two states, which require that state government business be conducted in English.
“We must not allow ourselves to become a nation of Babels, like Canada, or Hawaii, which has two official languages: English and Kenyan,” said Mr. Trump. “No. No. Just kidding. It’s English and Hawaiian, which is still one official language too many.”
Although he never mentioned Postcards from the Pug Bus by name, the president elect said he was heartened to hear “at least one little satire website declare English is its official language, I think it’s somewhere in Pennsylvania, which I won fair and square in the original vote and the recount.”
Postcards from the Pug Bus is the “little satire website” to which the president elect referred. According to Postcards editor in briefs, Phil Maggitti, “We are the only satire website in the world that has declared English its official language.”
Half seated, half slumped on a sofa with a Fathead® of S.I. Hayakawa in tennis togs looming from the wall behind him, Mr. Maggitti said, “This is the kind of ‘hope and change’ I can believe in. When you call our offices, you won’t hear any of that ”marque dos” crap. You’ll have to habla Inglés, mis amigos ilegales.
Warming to his topic and his Pax 2, Mr. Maggitti laughed, “And you won’t hear some fucker with a thick Punjabi accent claiming that his name his ‘Brian’ and he is ‘heah do ebb yoo doday.’”
Next Ellen: Eagles fans plan to make the first anniversary of Glenn Frye’s death “bigger than Bowie’s” this year.
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