HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was cited for “gross negligence and insensitivity” by the International Fraternity of Fashion Monitors (IFFM) as he was leaving Grauman’s Chinese Theater Sunday night following the premier of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Even though members of Grauman’s security staff, who had been alerted to the IFFM’s presence, grabbed Depp and whisked him inside the theater as soon as he hit the brown carpet, they were not quick enough to shield him from IFFM’s probing lenses. Consequently, when Depp emerged from the theater, he was presented with a citation for “emulating by dress, mannerism, and countenance” the unsettling appearance of a child molester.
A newly formed, not-for-profit organization, the IMMF is dedicated to bringing “a sense of civility and decorum to movie premiers, awards ceremonies, and any other occasion on which celebrities commit unpardonable crimes against fashion.” The IFFM executive board is chaired by Joan Rivers, who said in a prepared statement yesterday, “Given his seedy appearance, I half expected Mr. Depp to whip out some kind of sexual device made of chocolate and offer it to that kid he was pawing all night. We are honored to be able to present our first citation to such a deplorably dressed individual. We couldn’t have asked for a better debut.”
Truth be told, Depp’s outfit—from his green leather wingtips to his brown Canadian Mountie fedora, was enough to send chills down the spine of any concerned parent. To the genuinely creepy shoes and hat Depp added gray, stained slacks, a rust-colored sport coat, and a polyester shirt whose collar was worn 1970s style over the sport coat. Blue, drugstore-special sunglasses and a wispy goatee completed the picture.
According to Rivers, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline tied for the reserve-winners award at the Willy Wonka premier.
“‘Reserve winners’ is a term we borrowed from the dog-show world, for obvious reasons,” laughed Rivers. “Britney looks as if she’s aged twenty-five years in the past three months. Worse yet, she looks like she couldn’t get a date and decided to drag her house painter along at the last minute. And even worse than that, they look like they’ve been sleeping together.”
In other news, five of the fifteen people who were able to purchase copies of the newest Harry Potter book because of a bookseller’s mistake have returned the books and asked for their money back.
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