WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The United States Postal Service (USPS) may go tits up this winter if Congress doesn’t provide it with mail sacks full of cash, roughly $5.5 billion, give or take. That’s the depth of the shit hole the USPS needs to drag its sorry ass out of by the end of this month, just about the time that letter carriers are covering their knobby knees with long pants.
Before you go all postal at the thought of never seeing a magazine in a plain brown wrapper in your mailbox again, take heart. Here at Postcards from the Pug Bus we believe in fighting fire with a good stiff drink and a spliff. So kick back, smoke ’em if you got ’em, and test your knowledge of the USPS. Remember, the more correct answers you provide, the more likely your letter carrier is to see any of his or her pension.
1. The Continental Congress named _______ the first Postmaster General in _______.
a) George Washington . . . 1776, b) Benedict Arnold . . . a hurry, c) Benjamin Franklin . . . 1775, d) Caesar Rodney . . . Delaware
2. There are _______ “Forever” stamps in a dozen.
a) 13, b) 9, c) 12, d) not enough
3. “Neither snow nor _______ nor heat nor _______ stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”
a) dogs . . . horny housewives, b) STDs . . .
hemorrhoids, c) you . . . the horse you rode in on, d) snow . . . gloom of night
4. The head of the USPS is called _______.
a) Geoff, b) on the carpet frequently, c) the Post Master Generous, d) Kevin Costner
5. The post office always closes _______.
a) for lunch, b) five minutes before you get there, c) for repairs, d) for naps.
6. The “Forever” stamp got its name because _______.
a) mail takes forever to get there, b) forever is a long time, c) “Infinity” was already taken, d) none of the above
7. The USPS plans to begin selling _______ in its kiosks.
a) stamps, b) condoms, c) snacks, d) life insurance
8. RFD as used by the USPS stands for _______.
a) royal fucking disaster, b) reading for dummies, c) rural free delivery, d) return for deposit
9. The USPS hopes to save money by delivering mail only _______.
a) on even numbered weekdays, b) on demand, c) to people whose last names end in y, d) when all else fails
10. The postman always rings _______.
a) on Saturdays, b) twice, c) if the man of the house isn’t home, d) a bell.
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