MALIBU – Pandemonium broke out Saturday night when a paparazzo stalking Britney Spears at a hilltop home was struck in the leg by a plastic pellet. As guests inside the home were giggling and making crude jokes whenever Spears opened another box of comic lingerie at a baby shower held in her honor, Spears’ husband Kevin “Mad Dogg” Federline and his crew were outside threatening the paparazzi lurking at the foot of the driveway below.
“You buttheads don’t get away from dis house, I’m gonna bust a cap in yo ass,” screamed Federline, who was wearing baggy shorts, a baseball cap turned sideways, and matching white socks and wife beater.
What Federline—or some other public-spirited citizen—did bust was a pellet in shutterbug Brad Diaz’ thigh. Diaz was treated for shock and frustration at a local hospital then released with a smiley face Band-Aid on his thigh.
Lieutenant Steve Smith of the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department told MTV, “If there’s anything below minor, that’s what the injury was.”
Smith said Federline was not considered a suspect in this nonmatter because even though he had threatened the paparazzi, he was “too drunk to see, let alone shoot, straight.”
Diaz’ employer, Frank Griffin, co-founder of the Bauer-Griffin Paparazzi Agency, took a more dramatic view of the event. Griffin, a native of Britain, told reporters, “It doesn’t matter if it’s an AK-47, a bazooka, or a BB gun. The guy got shot.
“Even if the guy was trespassing, I don’t know whether you Americans then think it’s OK to shoot them,” said the insufferably pompous Griffin.
Reporter Robert Novak, on loan to MTV from CNN, shouted “that’s bull[crap]”at Griffin. “Do you Brits think it’s OK to shoot innocent people in subways simply because they have dark skin?” asked Novak before storming out of the interview.
Although Griffin did his best to sound offended, John Perry, who co-owns Sunset Protective Services, appeared to be amused by the shooting. Perry’s company offers celebrities a form of personal security known as “paparazzi abatement.”
“We photograph, follow, document, and generally make life miserable for paparazzi,” said Perry. “If they become a problem for us, I ask myself how can I make their lives miserable.”
Perry stopped short, however, of claiming responsibility for the hit.
“Even though we have a good sense of humor, we’re not going to break the law,” he said, “no matter how funny it is to watch somebody trying to operate a camera while he’s writhing on the ground, holding his leg, and squealing like a sissy.”
Spears could not be reached for comment, but a publicist in her employ who asked to remain anonymous said, “Britney would like to find out who did this so she can give him or her a reward. The reward would have been greater if the person who shot Diaz in the thigh had aimed a few inches higher and to the left.”
In other news, President George W. Bush, stung by criticism that he behaves inappropriately when he meets with parents whose sons or daughters have died in Iraq, said he will no longer smoke cigars, listen to his iPod on headphones, wear a giant clown nose, or ride his bicycle around the room during such meetings.
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