NASSAU, Bahamas – The Lord God Almighty denied playing any role in the recent commitment ceremony between former stripper Anna Nicole Smith and her boyfriend-attorney, Howard K. Stern.
The ceremony—which took place “before God,” according to a statement issued by TrimSpa, the dietary supplement endorsed by Ms. Smith—was held onboard a catamaran anchored off Blackbeard’s Cay in Nassau last Thursday, just eighteen days after Ms. Smith’s son, Daniel Wayne Smith, had died in her bed in a Nassau hospital.
“Despite what Ms. Smith’s diet pill company would have you believe, I am not at the beck and call of every celebrity who wants to play the spirituality card in times of trouble,” said God. “That so-called commitment ceremony did not take place before me, my son, or any other member of the Holy Trinity.”
Clearly annoyed, God explained that people shouldn’t take seriously “this ‘Wedding Song’ business about ‘whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name.’ And while I’m on the subject of weddings, let me just say that if I have to listen to ‘The Wedding Song’ or ‘Morning Has Broken’ one more time, I’ll scream.
“It’s bad enough I have to be present at real marriages that I know don’t have a snowball’s chance in Haedes of succeeding,” said God, “without my name being invoked by two opportunists on a rented boat indulging themselves in some cliche-ridden mumbo jumbo exercise in New Age stupidity.”
Although God said he knew more about Ms. Smith than “she wants me to know,” he declined to comment on the cause of Daniel Wayne Smith’s death, the nature of his unique relationship with his mother, or the identity of the father of Ms. Smith’s newborn daughter, Dannie Lynn Hope Smith.
In related news, TrimSpa announced that bidding on the rights to exclusive use of the photos of Anna Nicole Smith’s commitment ceremony will begin at £525,000.
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