LOS ANGELES – Hoping to preempt Paris Hilton’s sure-to-come assertion that it was her discovery of Jesus Christ, and Mr. Christ’s discovery of her, that got her through those long nights in prison, Mr. Christ has emailed a statement to the Los Angeles Times. The email, from [email protected], arrived at the newspaper’s editorial office late yesterday afternoon.
“No matter what Paris Hilton says when she is released from jail next week—and I know what she is going to say and the hour at which she will be released—I swear on a stack of Bibles that I did not enter that woman’s heart while she was in jail, nor have I agreed to interview her when she gets out,” said Mr. Christ.
“My father and I are tired of being used by celebrities with their you-know-whats in a wringer,” he continued. “Besides, I would have to be a fool to enter a celebrity’s heart after seeing what happened when my father tried to enter Sarah Silverman’s heart.”
Those who claim to know Mr. Christ say he hasn’t displayed this sort of righteous indignation since he drove the money changers from the temple.
“Jesus was offended because the Hiltons thought they could buy their way into his good graces,” said a Los Angeles priest outside his drive-through confessional.
“Paris Hilton’s aunt was here last week asking how much the family would have to donate to a worthy cause in order for Paris to have a ‘certifiable religious experience’ in jail. I explained that the church stopped selling indulgences a long time ago. When I asked her if she wanted me to hear her confession while she was here, she tossed a wad of bills at me, said, ‘Keep the change,’ and drove off.”
In other religious news, Vice president Dick Cheney said yesterday that he doesn’t have to comply with the requests of any government oversight agency because he “answers only to a higher power.”
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