LOS ANGELES – Singer-actress Jessica Simpson, twenty-five, has filed for divorce from Nick Lachey, thirty-two, her husband of three years. In a divorce petition filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Simpson cited the lack of a nickname as the cause for the dissolution of her marriage.
“BradJen, TomKat, Bradgelina, these are instantly recognizable brands,” said Simpson’s attorney Marc Ratone. “They form an indelible image in the public’s eye and maximize a couple’s earning power. Unfortunately, Mr. Lachey would not co-operate with my client to form a suitable nickname that would cement their union even if they got divorced. Therefore, she has no recourse but to divorce him.”
Friends of the couple said that Lachey, a former singer with the boy band 98 Degrees, resisted Simpson’s attempt to market a nickname.
“When Nick and Jess were first married, he was more famous than she was, so he wanted his name to go first in any nickname,” said CaCee Cobb, Simpson’s longtime friend and personal assistant. “Even after Jess started earning way more than he did, he still insisted on putting his name first.”
Dr. Joyce Brothers, the dean of American psychologists, says this kind of instance on primacy in nicknames is a “holdover male plumage” defense mechanism.
“The male of the human species always needs to be on top, even when he’s standing up,” said Brothers, seventy-seven. “What men like Mr. Lachey don’t realize is that women save their deepest affection for men who don’t come first.”
Justin Timberlake of the CamJust duo, while agreeing with Dr. Brothers in theory, said that Lachey’s inability to settle on a nickname was caused by nothing more sinister than the fact that there is no catchy nickname to be had from Lachey’s and Simpson’s names.
“He tried all kinds of combinations,” said Timberlake. “JessLach sounded like some kind of food intolerance. SimpLach reminded focus groups of a mother’s milk replacer. Nickson sounded like a speed freak saying Nicholson. That marriage was almost doomed from the beginning.”
Several Hollywood marriage counselors agreed. One even went so far as to suggest that celebrity couples be required to take a nickname test along with a blood test in order to obtain a license.
So were does this leave Jessica Simpson, who has been linked with Jackass stars Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville.
“JessBam does have a certain ring to it,” said Cobb. “Jessville is even better, and Johnny Knoxville doesn’t small as bad.”
Of the men Simpson is not rumored to have slept with, Orlando Bloom (Orsicca), Jake Gyllenhaal (Jakeson), and the recently available Adam Goldstein (DJ Simpson) could also pass nickname scrutiny.
In other news, President Bush said in his weekly radio address this morning that he only meant to spy on his daughters’ e-mail.
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