LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan and her culturally challenged publicity whore of a mother are gearing up to celebrate the younger Lohan’s coming of age, a rite of passage to be observed with all the pomp and circumstance befitting an event of its stature on July 2 through 6 at Caesars Palace’s Pure nightclub in Las Vegas.
Not since that tiger mistook Roy Horn for a clam roll has an event in Las Vegas been so fraught with the potential for personal injury—nor has personal injury been so fervently desired.
When Lindsay Lohan finally becomes old enough to drink legally—does she hold the record yet for time spent in rehab before reaching legal drinking age?—the mind boggles at the fearful prospect of mother and daughter knocking back Cheeky Vimtos and dancing in bra and panties on the tables at the million-dollar birthday bash.
Reporters who have seen Lindsay Lohan out on the lash marvel at her capacity for drink. They also marvel at her antics, which become more newsworthy the more vodka she consumes. One veteran reporter for THEM Weekly, who has seen Ms. Lohan in her D-cups more times than he can count, put together the following drinking guide for his colleagues’ amusement. The numbers refer to the number of double vodkas Ms. Lohan has consumed.
1. Nips into ladies room, removes bra, splashes water on her top, then returns to the dance floor with three-inch nipple erections.
2. Attempts to sing her “hit” song, “If You Were Me,” gets some of the words wrong, replaces others with vulgarities.
3. While dancing with a drink in one hand, pulls down her top with the other, exposing one breast.
4. Gives lap dance to stranger, belches loudly during attempt, leaves wet spot on his pants.
5. Buys a round for the entire bar, can’t find her purse, calls the bartender a sheep shagger after he rings for the manager to OK the charge.
6. Has to be restrained after she threatens to bitch slap someone who looks like Ashlee Simpson.
7. Falls while trying to climb onto a table to dance, breaks several glasses, lies on floor laughing hysterically.
8. After trying unsuccessfully to stand, crawls across the floor barking like a dog.
9. Looks up and sees ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama, punches him in the nuts.
10. Pulls down top again, attempts to take picture of her tits with her cell phone, passes out after shitting herself.
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