ATLANTA – Ohio State freshman center Greg Oden has been declared ineligible for tonight’s NCAA championship game with the University of Florida. NCAA officials, acting on a tip, visited Mr. Oden’s MySpace page on the Internet, where they found a picture of a birthday cake with forty candles on it.
Beneath the cake was the inscription, “My homies hooked me up with this fly cake on my birthday.” That—and the preponderance of “friends of Greg Oden” on the MySpace page “who were obviously in their forties and fifties”—was all the proof the NCAA needed.
“Greg Oden can’t have his cake and eat it too,” said J. Reese Witherspoon, chairman of the NCAA’s academic eligibility committee.
Although Mr. Oden has always claimed he was born on January 22, 1988, opposing players and coaches have long whispered that he looked and sounded much older.
“That brother looks like Leon Spinks’ ugly twin,” said Georgetown’s Roy Hibbert after his team had lost to Ohio State in Saturday’s semifinal match. “Besides, did you see how tired he looked after the game? He was blowing like an old man chasing a bus.”
Ohio State coach, Thad Motta, reacted angrily to the news of Mr. Oden’s disqualification.
“The picture was obviously Photoshopped,” said Mr. Motta. “Greg doesn’t have a sweet tooth left in his head.”
Ohio State associate provost, Leo Mangini, said that even though Mr. Oden might be in danger of losing his athletic scholarship, he could still qualify for other forms of aid, such as Gulf War veterans tuition relief.
In related news, following word of Greg Oden’s disqualification, Ohio State went from a 9-5 underdog to even money in tonight’s contest with Florida. Oddsmaker Vegas Vic explained, “Without Greg Oden the Buckeyes are a much younger, faster team.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
