LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes “the law of double jeopardy” permits him to re-acquire “shit that is rightfully mines.
“I know the law,” O.J. declared after he had been questioned by police Thursday night following an incident at The Palace Station, an aging, down-at-the-heels casino just west of the Las Vegas Strip.
“The principle of double jeopardy is at work here,” O.J. continued. “That means if something has been stolen from you, it’s all right if you steal it back as long as you don’t bust nobody up while you’re getting your shit.”
O.J. had been “just chilling” in Las Vegas prior to a friend’s wedding when he contacted auction house owner Tom Riccio, who had told O.J. there were some collectors in town hoping to sell a bunch of his memorabilia on the down low.
Mr. Riccio offered to set up a meet with the collectors under the guise of knowing a private collector interested in buying O.J. items.
O.J. meanwhile does what any law-abiding citizen would do: he rounds up half a dozen guys at a wedding cocktail party and heads on up to have a word with the collectors in their room.
“We walked into the room,” said O.J. “I’m the last one to go in, and when they see me, it’s all ‘Oh God.'”
Perhaps it was the watch cap O.J. was wearing; maybe it was his leather gloves; or maybe it was the guns his new friends were flashing; but for some reason the collectors chose to describe the visit to police as an armed robbery.
For their part, Las Vegas police are investigating the incident as an armed robbery. What’s more, they’ve named O.J. as a suspect.
Nevertheless, O.J. insists there were no guns involved. When pressed, he could not say where the reclaimed mementos, which included a photo of O.J. hugging J. Edgar Hoover, had been taken. He did say, however, that “a black man can’t get no justice” in the United States.
According to Mr. Riccio, O.J. was supposed to identify the items in question and ask the men to give them back or he would call the police, but there’s many a slip between the plan and the hip.
Mr. Riccio told a local newspaper that O.J. showed up with about seven “intimidating looking guys,” at least one of whom had a gun.
“I thought we were going to peacefully reacquire these personal items, which O.J. wants to pass down to his kids,” Mr. Riccio said, “but O.J. and his friends went ghetto. What can I say?”
Tonight on Larry King Live: Vanessa Hudgens takes your questions.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
