LOS ANGELES – The Nicole Richie model SUV has been recalled by Mercedes-Benz, a company spokesman confirmed this morning. The recall, which includes the lightweight NR99 and the ultra-light weight NR85, follows close on the heels of Ms. Richie’s DUI arrest earlier this week.
“We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for our customers,” said Mercedes-Benz director of public affairs, Ludwig Wirtschafter, “but the manifold stability and handling issues peculiar to this series leave us no other choice.”
Another source close to Mercedes-Benz said the Richie Series “looked great” in its early developmental stages but began to exhibit “unfortunate tendencies” as it moved into full production.
“You could say these vehicles just kept getting more and more erratic,” the source confided.
Among the many problems with the Richie Series was a flimsy rear end that couldn’t hold the road in a light spring breeze. This handling issue was compounded by traction failure in certain conditions. So bad was the latter problem that the NR85 in particular was prone to spin out of control and wind up heading into traffic the wrong way if it wasn’t handled carefully. The mysterious circumstances surrounding Ms. Richie’s arrest, when she was forced to pull over and stop in the carpool lane of Highway 134 to avoid a head-on collision, bore witness to this shortcoming.
In addition to these performance problems, the Richie Series appeared to have structural shortcomings that compromised its ability to bear weight or to hold it own on the highway.
“This thing would invariably spin out on turns and threaten to roll over without warning,” said the Mercedes-Benz source. “Both the NR 99 and the NR85 required astonishingly little fuel to run, but at the end of the day they always behaved like a stepchild.”
Two of the early purchasers of the Richie Series concurred in these assessments.
“This baby looked great from a distance, but she couldn’t deliver the goods when push came to shove,” said A. Goldstein of Hollywood.
“I test drove her one night,” said B. Jenner of Los Angeles, “and she didn’t perform like the classic she was advertised to be. Her [gear] box was especially loose.”
According to Mercedes-Benz, the Richie Series owners can obtained a full cash refund for their purchases or trade up to another celebrity series such as the exotic Bai Ling, the ever dependable Jeremy Piven, or a low-mileage showroom model such as the Nick Lachey.
In other news, Mel Gibson was a last minute no show at the closing session of “Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision,” sponsored by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mr. Gibson was expected to deliver a fiery defense of his charge that “the Jews caused every war in the history of the world,” but “unexpected publicity commitments” for his new movie, Apocalypto, prevented him from attending.
“That’s typical of fair weather anti-Semites,” said President Ahmadinejad. “He was happy to come here when he wasn’t sure how his movie was going to be received, but now that it’s a success, he doesn’t need the publicity.”
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