LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez claims she is tired of being stalked by “animal rights whack jobs at PETA” (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). The star of song, screen, and fashion told reporters yesterday that she has agreed to appear naked in a pro-fur ad sponsored by the Fur Education Council of America Limited (FECAL).
“It’s time we fought anti-fur protests with fur,” smiled Ms. Lopez, while twirling a rabbit’s foot key chain. “If god didn’t want us to wear fur, he wouldn’t have created minks. He certainly didn’t create them for their food value.”
According to Ms. Lopez, she will appear in the print and billboard versions of the FECAL ad lounging on a virgin-white fur rug wearing nothing but a few strategically placed stuffed fur animals. The shocking-pink copy accompanying the photo will read, “Next to my skin I like theirs best.”
In the FECAL television spots, Ms. Lopez steps out of a limousine with a fur-trimmed interior wearing a floor length fur coat. Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, approaches Ms. Lopez brandishing a can of spray paint. The Rock suddenly emerges from the limousine, wrestles Ms. Newkirk to the ground, and systematically breaks every one of her fingers while the crowd roars and Ms. Lopez signs autographs.
PETA’s beef with Ms. Lopez began when the star of Gigli and Monster-in-Law added fur garments to her Sweetface clothing line in 2004. Since then PETA members dressed in animal suits covered with fake blood have dogged Ms. Lopez’ footsteps. PETA staged a demonstration outside Madre’s—Ms. Lopez’ Pasadena, California, eatery—last year and outside a Virgin Records store appearance she made in New York. PETA has even created a website called JLoDown.com on which it mocks Ms. Lopez for wearing fur and asks her fans to say “hell, no to J.Lo.”
In addition, said Ms. Newkirk, PETA has sent Ms. Lopez several DVDs that graphically depict “the anal electrocution and subsequent skinning of cuddly, trusting chinchillas at filthy, vermin-ridden chinchilla ranches.
“To animals killed for their fur, Jennifer Lopez is the monster-in-law,” said Ms. Newkirk. “She may be able to get the images of bloody, skinned animals still alive and breathing out of her head, but we doubt that her fans who watch this video will.”
Ms. Lopez disagreed.
“Who are people going to trust?” she asked. “A naked superstar with a gorgeous butt on a beautiful fur rug or some skinny-ass sicko who distributes disgusting videos of animal torture?”
In related news, pranksters disrupted Punxsutawney Phil’s appearance this morning in Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania. When the famous groundhog emerged from his burrow, someone in the crowd yelled, “Jennifer Lopez is gonna get you.” Phil promptly retreated into his burrow and refused to come out.
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