SUNNYVALE, Calif. – Tom Cruise’ appearance at Yahoo’s Sunnyvale campus this week was calculated to achieve two effects. First, Mr. Cruise wanted desperately to call attention away from the season opener of South Park Wednesday night, an episode in which Chef, formerly voiced by Scientologist Isaac Hayes, is brain-washed into becoming a pedophile after he joins a “fruity little club,” a none-too-subtle reference to Scientology.
Second, and far more devious, Mr. Cruise is courting Yahoo in an effort to heal the self-inflicted wounds to his image.
In the past month Mr. Cruise won a Razzie award for being the most tiresome tabloid target, and he was voted “the person people would least like to go camping overnight with” in a recent Stuff magazine poll.
Mr. Cruise, who garnered a ginormous 41 percent of the Stuff readers’ vote, proved less popular than former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
According to a Yahoo executive who voted not to have Mr. Cruise appear as part of Yahoo’s influential speakers program, “Tom snookered our CEO Terry Semel big time.”
Snookered?
“Yeah. Terry was his third choice. Friends of mine at Google and MSN told me that Cruise invited upper-level executives [from those companies] to meet with him at the Scientology Center in Hollywood, but after three hours of personal questions and preaching, they excused themselves and beat feet. When Terry finally got a turn, he stayed.”
If that scenario sounds familiar to Cruise watchers, it should.
“He did the same thing when he was looking for someone to artificially inseminate last year,” said a member of the Free Katie society. “At least three fertile young actresses, including Scarlett Johansson and Elisa Cuthbert, turned him down before he wowed Katie Holmes with dinner on his plane and a signed wall poster.”
Anyone looking for evidence of Mr. Cruise’ effect on Yahoo need look no further than the giant portal’s Stump Tom Cruise promotion, which appeared on the Web shortly after Mr. Cruise had appeared at Sunnyvale.
“Think you know more about Tom Cruise’ movies than even he does?” the promotion asks. “Then put him to the test. E-mail your questions and Tom will try to answer the toughest here on Yahoo!”
Industry watchers openly wonder who will provide the answers to the Stump Tom Cruise questions. Judging by Mr. Cruise’ performance at Sunnyvale, their cynicism is well founded. Mr. Cruise doesn’t appear to be too light on his feet when he isn’t attached to a pulley wire.
To wit: Mr. Cruise told his captive audience that he was determined to film Mission Impossible 3‘s dangerous action sequences but he had to get permission from Ms. Holmes first.
“She trusts me; she knows: she loves me,” said Mr.Cruise. “That’s why I am marrying her, because she has no worries about that—none.
“She’s just fun and easy. She celebrates it. She loves it. We show her the cut footage of my stunts and she digs it. She’s just fun.”
“If only more relationships were based on a mutual love of an older man’s staged action sequences,” said the unnamed Yahoo executive. “I warned Terry that this was a bad move for Yahoo. Next thing you know there’ll be a Scientology tent next to the volleyball court, and we’ll end up looking as programmed as Ms. Holmes, who’s beginning to bear a frightening resemblance to Ashlee Simpson. That’s what too much lip synching will do to a person.”
Next Oprah: Are George Clooney and Brad Pitt feuding?
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