REPUBLIC OF BRANGELINA – Angelina Jolie, president of the newly formed African Republic of Brangelina, has instructed her ambassador to the United States, Brad Pitt, to send a formal letter of diplomatic inquiry to President George W. Bush.
According to a source close to Ms. Jolie, the couple is seeking the same kind of diplomatic immunity from reporters and photographers that the former republic of Namibia granted as one of its last official acts before decommissioning itself and surrendering to the Jolie-Pitts.
“It is important to President Jolie and I, that we receive assurances of diplomatic immunity if and when we visit your country with our new daughter, Princess Shiloh,” wrote Ambassador Pitt.
He also took pains to point out the official spelling of the princess’ name. “Some typically careless journalists,” he said, had spelled it Shilo, leaving off the final h.
“Our daughter’s name is an ancient Hebrew word meaning messiah,” wrote Ambassador Pitt. “She wasn’t named after some damn Neil Diamond song.”
Apparently several residents of the former Republic of Namibia were executed for failing to make that distinction. They gathered outside the entrance to the sealed-off, heavily guarded presidential beachfront villa where the first family is staying until their palace is constructed. While the unfortunate Namibians were singing, “Shilo, when I was young, I used to call your name,” armed guards gunned them down without warning.
This reaction is typical of the Jolie-Pitt negotiating style. When they arrived in the former Republic of Namibia, population 1.8 million, it was known mainly for its poverty. Now it is known as the country that relinquished control of its borders, airspace, and ultimately its independence to the celebrity couple.
As soon as the Jolie-Pitts and their entourage of mercenaries had occupied the beachfront villa several months ago, they told then Prime Minister Nahas Gideon Angula that they expected to exercise “some control” over the country or they would find another place to have their baby.
Namibian authorities, not used to dealing with such ruthlessness, admitted to a Reuters news reporter that they had capitulated to the demands of the actors and had given them the right to ban foreign journalists from entering the country.
As the Jolie-Pitts’ demands kept escalating—they wanted, among other things, to rename the city where their baby had been born—Mr. Gideon Angula essentially threw up his hands and said, “[Screw] it. You want the country, you take it. It’s filled with poor people and sand anyway.”
The exact terms of the transfer of power are a closely guarded secret. What is known is that Mr. Gideon Angula will be appointed Minister of Tourism in the new administration. It is also expected that the Jolie-Pitt combined income from motion pictures and investments will more than triple the average income ($2,400 per year) of the Republic of Brangelina.
The new republic has already been recognized by the Nation of TomKat, which is located on a plot of land, purchased by Tom Cruise from the Church of Scientology, overlooking the San Fernando Valley. In addition, Bono has congratulated Brangelina for improving the income of its people. He also promised that the new republic would receive its “fair share” of debt relief aid from world powers.
In other news, President George W. Bush declared that the United States will no longer tolerate the “senseless execution” of Iraqi women and children.
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