MALIBU – Jennifer Lopez, whom People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has attempted to make the butt of its anti-fur campaign, responded by announcing the intro-
duction of the Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium.
“Each year the bodies of hundreds of thousands of perfectly healthy small animals harvested for the fashion industry go to waste,” said Ms. Lopez in a prepared statement. “The Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium addresses this issue humanely.”
According to Ms. Lopez, small-animal breeders, who previously disposed of harvested stock as best they could, can now enjoy an extra income stream from the sale of chinchilla, mink, and other fur-bearing animals for human consumption. Her combination grill and small animal crematorium also allows breeders to dispose of excess harvest on premise without having to burden local landfills.
What’s more, the bone particles that remain after this self-cleaning product has consumed the harvested animals make an excellent mulch for the garden.
“At a time when mad cow disease and avian flu have consumers worried about our food supply,” said Ms. Lopez, “mink, chinchilla, and other fur-bearing animals offer a safe alternative to meat lovers. Not only can you look good wearing mink, you can feel good about eating it, too.”
Available at Home Depot and other family centres, the electric-powered Jennifer Lopez Combination Grill and Small Animal Crematorium retails for $1,199 as a complete unit. The grill can also be purchased separately for $699. Each grill is accompanied by The Jennifer Lopez Fur-Is-Fun Cookbook, which contains dozens of handy recipes—from mink kabobs to marinated chinchilla burgers.
In other news, Representative Patrick J. Kennedy (D-R.I.) has been asked to play himself in director Dean Lachiusa’s Night of the Ambien Zombies.
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