WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1.
“Al Qaeda’s a real sleeper this year,” said a Pentagon scout. “They’re stronger than they’ve been since the 2001 season. I think they’re going to surprise a lot of people.”
After failing to make any real noise the last two seasons, Al Qaeda went quietly about changing its roster dramatically. General manager and head of terrorist operations Osama Bin Laden sent a handful of old operatives with fat contracts to Iran in exchange for a number of talented free agents and top draft picks.
“They had an excellent training camp this year, and they did well in the Middle East Fall Terrorist League,” said a Homeland Security official. “They appear to have developed a real chemistry quickly, and they seem capable of fielding a team that plots together well, unlike their recent teams, whose members were more interested in padding their own statistics.
“In addition to players who can move with or without the bomb,” said the official, “they’ve got front line players with an explosive first step and a killer finish. They’re capable of creating real match-up problems.”
To make matters worse for Al Qaeda opponents, the 2010-11 team is still well under the salary cap and will have a lot of money to spend on more free-agent signings again next year. Indeed, if Al Qaeda has any weakness, it might be a plethora of talent.
“Everybody’s going to want the bomb when it’s crunch time,” said the official. “They might not have enough bombs to go around.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
