PHILADELPHIA–Allen Iverson, an eleven-time all-star who has not played in the National Basketball Association (NBA) since 2010, is set to announce his return to the league as Hip-Hop, the once and future mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers.
According to SlamDunk.com, Mr. Iverson, 38, has yet to come to terms with the fact that his playing career is dead. He has not played professionally since 2011 in Turkey, when he averaged 8 points a game and one public urination a week. Nevertheless, Mr. Iverson still dreams of recapturing his former glory, and those around him say he views “this mascot thang” as the first step in that process.
Sam Hinkie, general manager of the 76ers, sees Mr. Iverson as “greatly undervalued” as a mascot, and thus the former NBA standout is a perfect fit for the 76ers new analytic approach to the game.
“Besides,” said Mr. Hinkie, “Allen’s about the same size as the person who formerly played Hip-Hop, and we still have all those costumes in storage.”
The news of Mr. Iverson’s return to the 76ers, who have been without a mascot since the popular but edgy Hip-Hop was retired three seasons ago, is expected to draw more attention than the team itself.
“Let’s be real, this team is going to suck whale dick,” said a patron at Philadelphia’s POPE tavern. “That little fuck is probably still better than two-thirds of the players on the roster. I’d go out once or twice to see him on the court again.”
Not everyone in the Philadelphia area is enthusiastic about Mr. Iverson’s return, however.
“He’s still banned from all TGI Fridays within a fifteen-mile radius of Philadelphia,” said Robert del Fino, eastern regional manager for the restaurant chain. “We expect him to honor the restraining order he signed to avoid prosecution for serial public lewdness four years ago.”
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