LONDON – Singer Amy Winehouse, 24, has announced that she is canceling all personal hygiene activities—even down to having her beehive steam cleaned—until her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is released from London’s Pentonville prison.
Reading from a statement scribbled on a greasy fish-and-chips sack, Ms. Winehouse told reporters outside her house yesterday, “I can’t give it my all in the shower or on the bidet without my Blake.”
After pausing to cough up a loogie and to wipe her nose on the grimy, tattered sleeve of her blouse, she continued.
“I’m so sorry, but I don’t want to do a half-ass job cleaning out those hard-to-get places. My husband is everything to me and without him it’s just not the same.”
Mr. Fielder-Civil, 25, is accused of causing bodily harm to one James King, a London barman, and of attempting to “pervert the course of justice” by offering Mr. King $400,000 to forget about the incident.
Ms. Winehouse’s decision to go public concerning her vow not to bathe, floss, douche, exfoliate, or trim her fingernails and toenails coincides with the announcement that she is also canceling the rest of the dates on her current seventeen-city UK tour.
The tour opened two weeks ago in Birmingham, where Ms. Winehouse slurred her way through her songs, picked at several open sores on her face, insulted the audience, and walked offstage several times in the middle of songs.
Several audience members said the troubled diva could be seen spraying herself with cologne in the wings before returning to center stage. Both the BBC and the London Times called the performance “shambolic.” A London Hammersmith Apollo show a few days later produced a fan revolt after Ms. Winehouse, who had stumbled onto the stage forty-five minutes late, spent half the night scratching her lady region and attempting to shove a hemorrhoid back into place.
Ms. Winehouse’s family has asked the public “to respect our daughter’s privacy during these difficult times.”
That request should not be hard to honor as Ms. Winehouse is going to smell like the inside of a dead Apache’s loin cloth by the time her husband makes his next court appearance on January 18.
In related news, Blake Fielder-Civil said he would not go on a hygienic sympathy strike while he is in prison.
“The blokes in here are very hygiene conscious, so that wouldn’t be wise. Last week a fellow was nearly beaten to death by his boyfriend for having a few dingleberries in his crack.”
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