SWAKOPMUND, Namibia – Standing proudly in front of a large banner that read “Mission Accomplished,” Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt waved to a cheering crowd of body-
guards, personal servants, and security experts prior to departing Namibia. Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt, dressed in military fatigues, were accompanied by their children—Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh Nouvel—who were also dressed in fatigues.
“We had our baby here so we didn’t have to have it at home,” said Ms. Jolie. “Let this be a lesson to paparazzi every-
where. We will not rest until celebrities have bought the right to have their out-of-
wedlock children in privacy wherever they can afford to.”
While Ms. Jolie spoke, Mr. Pitt smiled and nodded his head as if on cue.
The Jolie-Pitts arrived in Namibia two months ago and quickly took over the country, with the assistance of Prime Minister Nahas Gideon Angula. A no-fly zone was established over the sealed-off, heavily guarded beachfront villa where the Jolie-Pitts encamped; the couple was allowed to determine which members of the press, if any, would be allowed to enter the country; and anyone caught wielding a camera within one hundred meters of Ms. Jolie, Mr. Pitt, or their children was subject to search and deportation.
Despite the ease with which the Jolie-Pitts conquered Namibia, some critics argued that the couple had no exit strategy and that once they left, Namibia would descend into chaos. Unfortunately, signs have already appeared that support this prediction.
Paparazzi, who seemed to have retreated in disarray when the occupation started, have reappeared with stock photos of the Jolie-Pitts and are ambushing tourists in an attempt to sell those photographs. Several paparazzi have rammed their vehicles into tourists in an attempt to slow them down.
In addition, rival gangs of souvenir peddlers roam the usual placid streets of Namibian cities, hustling scraps of bedding, clumps of hair retrieved from basin drains, and other “genuine” bits of personal detritus left behind by the Jolie-Pitts. There have also been reports of drive-by shootings in which several gang members and a couple from Kerrville, Texas, were injured.
In other news, President Bush announced that the three prisoners who hanged themselves at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, early yesterday will be tried posthumously for committing acts of terrorism against the United States. “You can die, but you can’t hide—heh, heh, heh,” said the president.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
