WASHINGTON, D.C. – A beleaguered and increasingly irrelevant George W. Bush has tapped Angelina Jolie to replace John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.
Mr. Bolton, 58, a man said to have few acquaintances and fewer friends in the U.N., resigned yesterday after sixteen months on the job. He told reporters he is vacating his post because he wants to spend more time with his mustache. Washington insiders claim, however, that Mr. Bolton resigned because he would not have survived a congressional nomination hearing now that Democrats control Congress.
Mr. Bolton was actually the stealth ambassador to the United Nations. A stealth ambassador is someone appointed by the president while Congress is in recess because the president knows the nominee is so far off the wall he would be voted down in a heartbeat in a fair hearing.
As the president did, Mr. Bolton attended Yale and enlisted in the National Guard to avoid serving in Viet Nam, even though he supported the war.
“I confess I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy,” Mr. Bolton wrote in his Yale 25th reunion book. “I considered the war in Vietnam already lost.”
Rather than risk a certain defeat by subjecting Mr. Bolton to a full hearing when his appointment as stealth ambassador expires, Mr. Bush decided to appoint Ms. Jolie, who currently serves as the Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commission for Refugees Adopted by Celebrities.
“Angelina Jolie’s U.N. experience and her first-hand knowledge of Third World adoption policies will no doubt shorten the learning bubble for her,” said Mr. Bush.
“In addition she has received death threats from al Qaeda recently; therefore she appreciates the seriousness of the war on terror in a way that Hollywood’s limousine liberals do not. There’s nothing like getting a Photoshopped image of your headless, mutilated body in an e-mail attachment to bring home the necessity of maintaining a united front against terrorists.”
Ms. Jolie, who has hinted she would like to quit acting for politics some day, could not be reached for comment. She is currently in India shooting the film A Mighty Heart, based on the life of Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter killed by al Qaeda militants in Pakistan in 2002.
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