WASHINGTON, D.C. – Angelina Jolie has been tapped to replace Paul Wolfowitz as president of the World Bank. President Bush is expected to delay making the formal announcement until early next week, however, in order to give Mr. Wolfowitz time to gild his parachute, and Mr. Bush time to prepare for his Saturday Night Live appearance with Queen Elizabeth.
“President Bush has no other option but to replace Paul now that World Bank officials have concluded he breached the bank’s dating code when he arranged a ‘merit reward package’ and promotion for his ladyfriend, Shaha Riza,” said White House press secretary, Tony Snow, at an early morning press conference today.
When he was asked to explain the choice of Ms. Jolie, Mr. Snow replied, “President Bush believes that after Jim Wolfensohn and Paul Wolfowitz, it’s time for the World Bank to be led by someone whose last name does not begin with the letters w,o,l,f.”
In addition, said Mr. Snow, the World Bank’s employee health and welfare officer has received numerous complaints about Mr. Wolfowitz’s personal habits.
“There’s a scene in Fahrenheit 9/11, I’m told, in which Paul spits on his comb before running it through his hair prior to a television appearance,” said Mr. Snow. “Apparently that was not an isolated incident.
“Furthermore, Paul has a troubling habit of using a toothpick to clean his fingernails and then using it to clean his teeth; and one staffer with whom Paul is reputed to have had a personal relationship said he frequently asked female employees to clip his toenails for him.”
Mr. Snow also hinted that Mr. Wolfowitz “has a tendency to talk the talk without walking the walk.”
Although Mr. Snow would not elaborate on this statement, he may have been alluding to the fact that Mr. Wolfowitz, a uberhawk now, used student deferments to avoid military service in the Viet Nam then. Besides, he’s supposed to be an advocate for helping poor nations out of poverty, yet he’s never cradled, much less adopted, anyone from a Third World country.
Mr. Wolfowitz still contends he broke no rules at the World Bank, but a senior loan officer at the bank told Forbes magazine that Mr. Wolfowitz “will probably resign” in order to dodge a full-blown hearing, which “would reveal other breaches of banking etiquette,” including the use of his World Bank credit card to rent movies for personal use from Blockbuster.
Next Oprah: Introducing the World Bank Zwanzaa Club
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
