NASSAU, The Bahamas – The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge declared yesterday.
Beginning with next Tuesday’s show, viewers will choose among lawyer Howard K. Stern, 38, photographer Larry Birkhead, 34, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, 64, and pool cleaner Gareth Huffmann, 23.
Each of the first three contestants claims to be the six-month-old baby’s father, while Mr. Huffmann was recently called “dada” by Dannielynn. One contestant will be voted off the show during each of the next three weeks.
“This is clearly too important a matter to be decided by mere scientific evidence,” ruled Philip Marley, the judge presiding over the case. “We must let the infallible will of the people decide.”
Reaction to Judge Marley’s decision was mixed among American Idol judges, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell.
“Fortunately Bahamian courts operate under British legal guidelines, whose judges—apart from showing up for court in nineteenth-century drag—do allow for creative decision making,” said Mr. Cowell. “Unlike the American legal system, where justice goes to the highest bidder.”
Mr. Jackson said he had no opinion about Judge Marley’s decision, while Ms. Abdul said she thought “he could have selected a better song.”
CNN’s Nancy Grace called the paternity question “a blatantly sexist attempt to dishonor the memory of a brave woman.” Ms. Grace also declared that Dannielynn doesn’t need a father, “especially one of these losers.”
Flaring her nostrils and lowering her brow, Ms. Grace continued.
“Howard Stern is obviously gay; Larry Birkhead is obviously delusional; and Freddy boy, who was adopted at the age of thirty-seven by one old hag and is now living off another, is a chronic liar.
“That leaves the pool cleaner, who is obviously the none-of-the-above candidate. Whatever. My sources tell me they’ll have enough on him to blow him out of the water soon.”
Correction: Yesterday in our “Numbers in the News” section we wrote beneath the number 1,000, “Men who slept with Scarlett Johansson before she turned twenty-one.” That caption should have appeared under the number 100. We apologize if this mistake caused any of our readers to draw incorrect inferences concerning Ms. Johansson.
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