WASHINGTON – The much-delayed funeral of Anna Nicole Smith will be televised live on C-SPAN2 tomorrow. Scheduled programs, beginning with “Press Freedoms in the Former Soviet Republic” at 7:00 a.m., will be preempted in order to provide day-long coverage of what promises to be the most talked about funeral in the recent history of the Bahamas.
The path to C-SPAN2 was cleared yesterday after a Florida appeals court upheld Judge Lawrence “Weepy” Seidlin’s ruling that allowed Ms. Smith to be buried in the Bahamas. Judge Seidlin’s ruling ended a three-week legal food fight among Virgie Arthur, Ms. Smith’s five-times-married mother; Larry Birkhead, one of Ms. Smith’s legion of former boyfriends; and Howard K. Stern, Ms. Smith’s common law lawyer, arguably one of the sharpest legal minds in the Bahamas.
Ms. Arthur wanted to bury her daughter in her native Texas; Mr. Birkhead wanted to bury her in the infield at Hollywood Park; while Mr. Stern wanted to have her cremated so that he could distribute small packets of her ashes at a series of $1,000-a-plate fan appreciation barbecues at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida, before taking the leftover remains back to the Bahamas.
Ms. Smith will be laid to rest In a simple, yet elegant, polyester white satin gown from Frederick’s of Hollywood that features an empire waist, sweetheart neckline, adjustable straps, and daring side slit. Because Ms. Smith has been in cold storage at the Broward County, Florida, medical examiner’s office since her death three weeks ago, the casket will be closed except for a window through which her titanic bosom, the only part of Ms. Smith that hasn’t horribly decayed, will be visible.
More than three hundred mourners are expected to attend tomorrow’s funeral service at an undisclosed church. Owing to the Hepatitis A scare that Reverend Jerry Falwell has termed “an act of god,” most A listers in Hollywood have IM’ed their regrets. Yet even though the guest list won’t be the glittering assembly it might have been, many C list stars like Tara Reid, Kimberly Stewart, and David Spade are expected to attend.
Taking a cue from Bindi Irwin, Ms. Smith’s five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, will “read” a statement in which she is expected to say she wants to be a celebrity warrior “just like my mommy.”
Following the funeral and subsequent internment at Lakeview Memorial Gardens & Mausoleums, Mr. Stern will host a $2,500-a-plate reception at the mansion he once shared with Ms. Smith.
In other news, Britney Spears has had the entire kitchen staff dismissed at Promises by the Sea, where she is currently undergoing treatment for multiple substance abuse problems. Ms. Spears is said to have become enraged when no one on the staff was able to recreate her favorite Denny’s breakfast, Moons Over My Hammy.
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