WARMINSTER, Penna. – After being sent down by American Idol voters last night, Antonella Barba announced through her publicist that she would enter the Bucks County Hospital in Warminster, Pennsylvania, this weekend to begin treatment for an unspecified condition.
Bloggers across the United States responded to this announcement wth a collective chubby, tripping all over their keyboards to be the first to report that it was alcohol or drugs or sex, or alcohol, drugs, and sex that drove the twenty-year-old singer to seek help.
As usual THEM Weekly magazine was ahead of the story, and even though hospital policy forbids staff members from commenting about patients or their course of treatment, the magazine reported on its website that Ms. Barba is suffering from PSD (publicity-seeking disorder).
A well-placed source in the hospital’s PSD unit told THEM Weekly that Ms. Barba exhibits “the classic symptoms of advanced publicity-seeking disorder,” which is often found among American Idol contestants.
“By definition, anyone with marginal or no talent who subjects themselves to national public exposure is already suffering from walking PSD,” said the source. “Fortunately, most people are able to function without inpatient care, thanks to readily available, non-prescription treatment modalities such as karaoke.”
Advanced PSD sufferers like Antonella Barba, however, resort to off-camera publicity stunts to prolong and magnify their public exposure. As long as those stunts are successful, the PSD victim enjoys an enhanced sense of popularity and self-worth. Thus, performing oral sex on the musically irrelevant Jon Bon Jovi or making a triple-X video with butterfaced Robert Iler of The Sopranos is a small price to pay for making another cut on Idol.
“But when the publicity begins to fade, the PSD victim is in crisis,” said the hospital source. “If they don’t get the treatment they need, they might act out in destructive ways such as self-mutilation, head-shaving, and mistaking an automobile for a pinata. Ms. Barba is wise to seek treatment before she does something more foolish than singing in public.”
Fans of Ms. Barba can take solace in the fact that losing on American Idol is not an end but a beginning.
“I think she’s making all the smart moves,” wrote J. Buttofuco on an Antonella Barba forum. “She’s done the sex video, she’s doing rehab. With that kind of resume she shouldn’t have any trouble getting a gig with Girls Gone Wild.”
In other news, the United Nations celebrated Jennifer Hudson Day yesterday. The singer thanked “my grandmother and my breasts for making this day possible.”
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