Biff Scuzzy – Page 10 – postcards from the pug bus

Obestatin Found Lacking in Wal-Mart Shoppers

Biff Scuzzy 352 Views 2 min read

PALO ALTO, Calif. – Scientists at Stanford University have discovered that two out of three Wal-Mart shoppers are deficient in obestatin, the so-called appetite-suppressing or obesity hormone that acts like a biological brake for another hormone that sparks hunger. Coincidentally the hunger-sparking hormone, gorgestatin, was found to be present in abnormal amounts in the same Read More

Politics

President Bush Orders Mardi Gras Moved to Astrodome

Biff Scuzzy 406 Views 2 min read

Moving swiftly to stem criticism that his response to the devastation in New Orleans has been “slow, indifferent, and sadly inadequate,” President Bush announced last night that by executive order Mardi Gras 2006 will be held in Houston’s Astrodome. Bush also announced that naming rights for the event had been purchased by Federal Express for Read More

Politics

Bush Grants Emergency Sick Days to Hurricane Victims

Biff Scuzzy 402 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shortly after arriving in Washington today, President Bush is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of hurricane victims in the battered Gulf Coast region. Standing in front of the Western White House in Crawford, Texas, in a yellow slicker and rain hat yesterday afternoon, the president announced Read More

Religion

Pat Robertson Advocates Killing Obese People

Biff Scuzzy 410 Views 2 min read

HAMPTON ROADS, Vir. – Televangelist Pat Robertson says the United States is wasting precious resources on diets that don’t work and “needs to consider other alternatives” in combating obesity. Speaking on his Christian news-talk television show The 700 Club, Robertson said this country needs to launch a full scale War on Obesity, similar to the War Read More

Music

Rolling Stones Deliver Protest Song

Biff Scuzzy 409 Views 4 min read

NEW YORK – The Rolling Stones have never backed away from following a trend, nor have they been afraid to boldly go where others have gone before. In 1967 they strode mightily in the footsteps of the Beatles vastly overrated “Sergeant Pepper” and released the vastly underrated “Their Satanic Majesties Request.” In the mid-1970s, when Read More

Celebrities

Cameron Diaz Replacing Nancy Grace on Court TV

Biff Scuzzy 438 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA – Cameron Diaz and her simpering smile will replace Nancy Grace and her self-righteous nostrils in the anchor seat of Closing Arguments, seen at 3 p.m. weekdays on Court TV. In announcing the change, William D. Faux, programming director at Court TV, allowed that Diaz’ recent legal victories were “among the relevant factors” in the Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Ditches Herbie at London Premiere

Biff Scuzzy 414 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Lindsay Lohan managed to infuriate her studio, her co-star, her fashion providers, and legions of her emaciated fans by skipping out on the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded in London last night. Lohan was a no-show at a Leicester Square theater, where hundreds of anorexic look-alikes huddled for warmth in bone-rattling proximity while waiting to Read More

Celebrities

Jude Law Apologies for Seducing the Nanny

Biff Scuzzy 407 Views 3 min read

LONDON – A distraught and groveling Jude Law apologized publicly to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller, after she had read a newspaper article claiming that Law “was having it away” with his children’s nanny. According to London’s tabloid conscience, The Sun, Law, 32, e-mailed an apology to “every major newspaper in Britain and to the secretaries Read More

Music

Lil’ Kim Gets Advice from Martha Stewart

Biff Scuzzy 402 Views 3 min read

KATONAH, N.Y. – Ex-con Martha Stewart sent rapper and future con Lil’ Kim an e-mail “just to let my home girl know that gettin’ banged up ain’t the end of the world, see what I’m sayin’?” Stewart, 63, sent the e-mail to Lil’ Kim, 30, after the Grammy-award winner, whose real name is Kimberly Jones, Read More

Religion

Pope John Paul II on Fast Track for Sainthood

Biff Scuzzy 438 Views 4 min read

ROME – Catholics campaigning to have the late Pope John Paul II declared a saint in record time should welcome two reports of miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff’s tomb. A woman from Turin who couldn’t find her car keys took the train to Rome to view the pope’s tomb yesterday. While she Read More

Religion

Ten Commandments Decision On Record

Biff Scuzzy 433 Views 3 min read

OPP, Alabama – A boxed-set, leather-bound collectors edition of the Ten Commandments, complete with an illustrated, twenty-six-page, large-print booklet containing an accurate facsimile of God’s original outline and recording notes, will hit record stores early next week. The spoken word CD, which also contains divinely inspired B-sides and studio outtakes, is being released by Almighty Read More

Celebrities

Oprah Winfrey Ruse Didn’t Fool Hermes

Biff Scuzzy 427 Views 3 min read

PARIS – Rumors about Oprah Winfrey’s shoplifting habits resurfaced after the talk show host and her posse had been turned away from a Hermes shop in Paris last week. Winfrey and company arrived at the Hermes store roughly fifteen minutes after its 6:30 p.m. closing. When Winfrey asked if she could nip in for a Read More

Celebrities

Leonardo DiCaprio Assaulted by Animal Rights Activist

Biff Scuzzy 425 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Leonardo DiCaprio was smacked upside the head by a bottle-wielding animal rights activist while leaving a party in the pre-dawn Hollywood hours yesterday. As DiCaprio, who was wearing a leopardskin codpiece at the time, was walking toward his car, a woman raced up behind him yelling, “Death to animal abusers.” When the Read More

News

Terri Schiavo Autopsy and Diary Show No Abuse

Biff Scuzzy 391 Views 4 min read

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. – What if Terri Schiavo could have keep a diary? What if, instead of being in a vegetative state, Ms. Schiavo had been in some kind of divinely omniscient, idiot savant state, all wise and all knowing? Would her comments about the controversy that swirled around her have been borne out by Read More

News

Runaway Bride Wilbanks Gets Probation, Cooking Show

Biff Scuzzy 363 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA – Jennifer Wilbanks, America’s Runaway Bride, parlayed her fifteen minutes of fame into a half-hour cooking show as a result of pleading no contest to a felony charge of making false statements to police. Dressed in a black jogging suit and running shoes—but without her trademark multicolored afghan over her head—Wilbanks pleaded no contest Read More