Biff Scuzzy – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Black Lives Matter: You Can’t Photoshop This

Biff Scuzzy 437 Views 1 min read

WEST GOSHEN TOWNSHIP, Pa.–Members of Fuk Yo Flag, a wholly owned subsidiary of Black Lives Matter, have taken to videos and blog posts to “suggest” acts of violence and thuggery on September 11. After posting a video recently that called for “open season on killing white people and cops,” a man who identifies himself as Read More

Technology

Apple To Reveal Shocker at Annual Event

Biff Scuzzy 478 Views 1 min read

SAN FRANCISCO, Ca.–As the tech world holds its breath waiting for Apple’s Christmas-in-September party today, rumors are swirling that the Cupertino giant has a major surprise up its sleeve—or up its ass, to be more precise. “The iButt, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today,” said an inside source at Read More

Religion Sporting Life

God Is Only Ninth in Fantasy Football League

Biff Scuzzy 598 Views 2 min read

WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father’s IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition. “We could just as soon be winless if it weren’t for a couple Read More

News

Guido Barilla Announces New Regina Brand Pasta

Biff Scuzzy 423 Views 3 min read

PARMA, Italy–Guido Barilla, chairman of the Barilla Group, the world’s leading pasta manufacturer, announced yesterday that his company plans to introduce a “boutique” pasta line known as Regina early next year. A pun on an Italian slang term meaning queen or homosexual, the Regina brand will cater to “the type of people—reginas and lesbiche—not permitted in traditional Barilla advertising,” said Read More

News

Study Links Obesity to Increase in Cyber Crimes

Biff Scuzzy 436 Views 1 min read

FOSTER CITY, Ca.–A study conducted by the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) reveals that obesity is no longer an impediment to committing crimes such as bullying and sexual harassment. The availability of high speed Internet connections now puts these and other “mobility-friendly” crimes within the reach of obese and even morbidly obese people Read More

Politics

Republican Drive to Impeach Obama Focuses on His Biracial Status

Biff Scuzzy 393 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON‐House Republicans, who have been accused of being racists for wanting to impeach President Obama, have issued their strongest denial of that charge to date. In fact, it is their first denial because Republicans who want to impeach the president know it’s pointless to deny charges of racism. A new impeachment-talking-points memo recently leaked to Read More

Portal

Slap Hillary and Ten Other Women that Need Slapping

Biff Scuzzy 427 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Ultra Violet, a group that wages a self-righteous holy war against perceived sexism, has its white cotton panties in a bunch over the Slap Hillary game currently available on the web at Slap Hillary. Promoted by a Republican super PAC (thank Sweet Baby Jesus that some Republicans have a sense of humor), Slap Hillary allows everyone Read More

Culture

Local Resident Thinks He’s at the Top of His Game

Biff Scuzzy 417 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa.–Al Covington is the picture of confidence as he sits at a table outside the Iron Hill restaurant on a hot July afternoon. He glances occasionally at a passer-by between bites of his Jerry Garcia wood fired, artisanal pizza, and talks about his new attitude. “I’m definitely at the top of my game Read More

News

NSA Foils Massive Gettysburg Plot

Biff Scuzzy 465 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Security Agency (NSA) announced this morning that it had foiled “a massive terrorist plot” to disrupt the 150th reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg, held on July 4-7 at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. A spokesman for the embattled spy organization, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Associated Press that the NSA Read More

Culture

Herman Cain Sex Video Less Thrilling than Cold Pizza

Biff Scuzzy 411 Views 3 min read

ATLANTA, Geo. – The third shoe and a ten-foot stack of pizza boxes have fallen on presidential candidate Herman Cain. For the last three days Mr. Cain, 65, has been tap dancing like a fool trying to stamp out the rekindled embers of sexual harassment charges brought against him by two women during his term Read More

Politics

Cornel West Reveals Where He Plans to Get Arrested Next

Biff Scuzzy 424 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Cornel West is on a roll. The silver-tongued, fuzzy-headed, musty-looking Princetonian has been arrested twice in the last seven days. What’s more, according to a communication he sent to this website yesterday, he hasn’t taken his last ride in a paddy wagon yet. Dr. West, 58, emailed a list of his Read More

Religion

God Blasts Rick Perry over Intelligent Design and Celebrity Photo Books

Biff Scuzzy 425 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory of intelligent design “to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them.” God explained that Read More

News

PETA Rallies Snails Rights Advocates In Florida

Biff Scuzzy 436 Views 3 min read

MIAMI – Snails rights advocates picketed outside the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables yesterday to protest the addition of giant African snails to the menu of the hotel’s Palme d’Or restaurant. Members of the PETA group, which was estimated at “around a dozen” by local police, walked slowly—one is tempted to say sluggishly— in front Read More

News

Text of Obama’s Jobs Speech Leaked

Biff Scuzzy 393 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The text of President Obama’s major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post‘s Bob Woodward. Although Mr. Woodward declined to say how he had obtained the text, he did say he was surprised at “the boldness of President Read More

Sporting Life

UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings

Biff Scuzzy 425 Views 2 min read

DAYTON, Ohio – The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team might be the best women’s team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game. “The game had a 1.2 Read More