Biff Scuzzy – Page 3 – postcards from the pug bus

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

Biff Scuzzy 419 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for attempted gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. Read More

Sporting Life

Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper

Biff Scuzzy 364 Views 2 min read

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times. The alleged assault took Read More

Celebrities

Kirstie Alley Pimps Organic Scientology Diet on Oprah

Biff Scuzzy 354 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison. We’re not certain whether this is Orca Girl’s fifth, sixth, or tenth weight-loss program, Read More

Sporting Life

New Orleans Saints Fans Angry Following Super Bowl Win

Biff Scuzzy 432 Views 2 min read

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ victory parade was rained on by Las Vegas odds makers, who installed the Indianapolis Colts as 13:2 favorites to win next year’s Super Bowl. What’s more, the San Diego Chargers are second favorites at 8:1, while the Saints are tied for third with the New England Patriots at Read More

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt

Biff Scuzzy 422 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some. Read More

Culture

Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series

Biff Scuzzy 414 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel’s No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food. Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen, Read More

Sporting Life

Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

Biff Scuzzy 437 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s. “I was a walking MASH unit,” he said. Read More

News

There’s Trouble in The Dog Whisperer’s Paradise

Biff Scuzzy 415 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking rich; he’s the dog whisperer. Who doesn’t love him? As it turns out, a few of his own dogs aren’t exactly big Read More

News

NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign

Biff Scuzzy 448 Views 3 min read

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise been discommoded while using NuvaRing. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical company is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square Read More

Politics

President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout

Biff Scuzzy 401 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter. “We have Read More

Technology

Mobile Phone Virus Threatens United States

Biff Scuzzy 436 Views 3 min read

SAN FRANCISCO – Cabir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Larry King Live yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Cabir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, Read More

News

Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model

Biff Scuzzy 418 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model. “This [rumor] is vile and detestable,” said Dieter von Richthofen, director of public information for Porsche (porsh-uh). “I don’t know how this kind of thing gets started—I suppose Read More

Celebrities

Clay Aiken Birthday Quiz, Exclusive

Biff Scuzzy 405 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don’t-ask-don’t-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will spend the day counting his blessings with “a special friend or two.” Meanwhile, Mr. Aiken’s rabid fans, his Claymates, will celebrate this Read More

Sporting Life

McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen

Biff Scuzzy 382 Views 1 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night’s game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points. “With Donovan out it’s a whole new dynamic,” said oddsmaker Vegas Vic. “The Eagles are a Read More

News

Salvation Army Surge Begins on Black Friday

Biff Scuzzy 409 Views 2 min read

ALEXANDRIA, Vir. – Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday. “If we’re going to win the Read More