Author: Biff Scuzzy

LAS VEGAS—CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate at the University of Nevada. The grizzled, heavly tattooed Mr. Blitzer, who moderated last night’s gathering, was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remained in guarded condition this morning. “As Read More

LONDON – The latest Madeleine McCann “sighting” confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents. The most recent Madeleine sighting to come a cropper was in the village of Zinat, Read More

ATLANTA – It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden’s career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN’s 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday. Dressed in a white hat, white shirt, Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick’s attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate. “My client did not technically engage in—nor does he actually condone—cockfighting,” declared Mr. Martin, “and I have to wonder why he is Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.” According to Senator Craig, every Read More

BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to act gay in public restrooms. “I am making this bold and courageous admission today so that other men with my condition—and it is a condition, not Read More

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed her seventeenth child into the world at 10:01 a.m. Thursday at a Rogers, Arkansas, hospital. Said Jim Bob, a former state representative who now sells real estate, “We are just so grateful to god for another gift of life.” The Duggars, it turns out, should Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee challenged Sicko creator Michael Moore “to take off his shirt and show us what he’s hiding.” Mr. Huckabee also charged that Mr. Moore’s body mass index is so high he’ll soon have to breathe by blowing water through a hole in the middle of his shoulders. “Anybody with a set Read More