Biff Scuzzy – Page 5 – postcards from the pug bus

Lindsay Lohan Drinking Guide

Biff Scuzzy 428 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan and her culturally challenged publicity whore of a mother are gearing up to celebrate the younger Lohan’s coming of age, a rite of passage to be observed with all the pomp and circumstance befitting an event of its stature on July 2 through 6 at

Celebrities

Paris Hilton’s Medical Condition a Gripping Saga

Biff Scuzzy 328 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton “a danger to herself and to other inmates” at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence

News

Zoellick at World Bank Is Not Just Another Pretty Face

Biff Scuzzy 408 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Robert Zoellick, whom President Bush has nominated to head the World Bank, was chosen largely because “he is not just another pretty face,” said a White House source yesterday. According to the source, President Bush “learned his lesson the hard way” after Paul Wolfowitz had made one

News

Madeline McCann Parents Begin World Tour with Visit to Pope

Biff Scuzzy 402 Views 3 min read

LONDON – The parents of Madeline McCann will launch the European leg of their world tour with a visit to Pope Benedict on Wednesday, Mojo magazine announced in the “Scene & Noted” section of its website today (May 28). Kate and Gerry McCann, whose daughter went missing on May 3 after they

Celebrities

Paris Hilton Begs President Bush for Pardon

Biff Scuzzy 392 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – A desperate Paris Hilton has faxed a personal request to President George W. Bush, asking him to set aside her jail sentence “for the sake of all the poor, less fortunate people in our country.” The twenty-six-year-old celebrity was ordered by a Los Angeles judge on Friday

Politics

Al Gore Says Breast Feeding Deters Global Warming

Biff Scuzzy 396 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Former vice president Al Gore believes breast feeding can play a significant role in deterring the rise of global warming. Speaking yesterday afternoon at the Earth Institute’s annual solar picnic in New York’s Central Park, Mr. Gore declared, “If one out of two mothers in developed countries

Politics

Governor Jon Corzine Crash Site Memorial Grows

Biff Scuzzy 399 Views 3 min read

GALLOWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. – When New Jersey governor Jon Corzine was bouncing around inside his official SUV about six o’clock last Thursday night, like a rag doll in a Kenmore dryer, he couldn’t know that the site of his accident, Mile Marker 43.5 on the Garden State Parkway, would become

News

Paul Wolfowitz Credit Card Recalled by World Bank

Biff Scuzzy 364 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A source at the World Bank has confirmed that the controversial Paul Wolfowitz credit card will be recalled. The announcement came after the World Bank’s twenty-four-member executive board met in a catered, sleep-over session last night on a yacht in the Potomac River. “Mr. Wolfowitz’ use of

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith Case to Be Decided by American Idol Voters

Biff Scuzzy 346 Views 2 min read

NASSAU, The Bahamas – The identity of the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn, will be determined by American Idol voters, a Nassau judge declared yesterday. Beginning with next Tuesday’s show, viewers will choose among lawyer Howard K. Stern, 38, photographer Larry Birkhead, 34, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband,

Religion

Chocolate Jesus Penis Stolen, Display Canceled

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NEW YORK – Someone stole the penis from the nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where

Politics

Hillary Clinton Benefits from Selfless Vilsack Move

Biff Scuzzy 376 Views 2 min read

DES MOINES, Iowa – Hillary Clinton will reap the benefit of “a selfless political decision” by her one time presidential rival, former two-term Iowa governor Thomas Vilsack. Governor Vilsack, 56, demonstrated “statesmanlike vision” by dropping out of the presidential race last month, said a press release issued from the governor’s

Weed

Bong Hits 4 Jesus Rallies Planned

Biff Scuzzy 441 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A nationwide series of Bong Hits 4 Jesus rallies, sponsored by the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), kicks off at 4:20 p.m. this Saturday in Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. The rallies are designed to focus public attention on the

Music

Brad Delp Memorialized by Burger King

Biff Scuzzy 399 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Former Boston singer Brad Delp will be honored by the Burger King corporation, a company spokesman said yesterday. Bill Pitt, regional manager for Burger King’s New England stores, said the company made the decision following reports that Mr. Delp had died from carbon monoxide poisoning “after shutting

Celebrities

Britney Spears Is the Antichrist, Says Noted Exorcist

Biff Scuzzy 364 Views 3 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears’ claim to be the Antichrist should not be taken lightly, says James J. LeBar, chief exorcist for the Archdiocese of New York. Father LeBar, a veteran of more than forty exorcisms, observed Ms. Spears yesterday at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre. He was shaken by what he saw.

Celebrities

Britney Spears Returning to Kabbalah

Biff Scuzzy 384 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears wants to return to the practice of Kabbalah. During an intense week in rehab at Promises-by-the-Sea Tranquility Centre, Ms. Spears tumbled to the conclusion that her life began to unravel last spring after she had announced on her website that she was quits with Kabbalah. “I