Biff Scuzzy – Page 6 – postcards from the pug bus

First Anna Nicole Smith Sightings Reported

Biff Scuzzy 393 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was spotted by a grieving fan at a local convenience store early this morning. Ms. Smith, who died on February 8 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, was seen approaching the ATM at the Winn-Dixie store in the Emerald Woods

Celebrities

Ryan O’Neal Attacks Son over Mac Ads

Biff Scuzzy 390 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Ryan O’Neal allegedly threatened his son, Griffin, 42, following a dispute concerning the ads for Mac computers that portray PC users as hopeless dorks. The elder O’Neal, 65, was subsequently arrested on suspicion of assault and a firearm offense after a long-running family argument over the merits of

Religion

God Scorns Windows Vista, Sues Microsoft

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HEAVEN – Windows Vista, Microsoft’s controversial new operating system, has incurred the wrath of God. The Supreme Power User, operating through his purchasing agent, the Holy Spirit, was one of the first to buy Vista when it went on sale Tuesday. He paid $299 (US) for the Vista Ultimate upgrade,

Celebrities

Brad Pitt Furious over Oscar Snub for Babel

Biff Scuzzy 382 Views 4 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Brad Pitt, whose gritty performance carried the tiresome, over long Babel to seven Oscar nominations, including best direction by a Mexican who once worked as a disk jockey, is furious. Mr. Pitt is the one bright spot in Alejandro Jose Gonzalez Jiminez Inarritu’s bombastic “message” flick, yet nearly

Culture

Bindi Irwin Is the Next Britney Spears

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LOS ANGELES – Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late Australian “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin, is being groomed for super-stardom, say entertainment industry insiders, who see her as the second coming of Britney Spears. The scarily self-assured Ms. Irwin, 8, launches her American showbiz career this week with a series of

Celebrities

Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom Tops Poll

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HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford denied in a conference call with AARP The Magazine yesterday that the long-awaited Indiana Jones IV is going to be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom. He did confirm, however, after years of rumors that raised more hopes than a Cialis commercial, that he is finally going

News

Mel Gibson Apologizes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over Holocaust Slight

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MALIBU – Mel Gibson has apologized to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for failing to attend Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision, the scholarly conference that “reexamines” long-established facts about the Holocaust. The high-profile conference, hosted by President Ahmadinejad in Tehran this week, drew sixty-one participants from thirty-seven countries. A high-placed

Celebrities

Nancy Grace Sues Tweety Bird

Biff Scuzzy 407 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA, Ga. – Television talk show lawyer Nancy Grace has filed a $300-million lawsuit against cartoon figure Tweety Bird. Citing extreme mental anguish, “worse even than when my old boyfriend got whacked,” Ms. Grace vowed “to wipe that bird off the face of the earth so that people will finally

News

Bush Twins Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloading

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and unprecedented move the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $22.5-million lawsuit against Jenna and Barbara Bush. The Bush twins, 25, are accused of downloading more than twenty thousand music files illegally from the popular file-sharing site Shareaza. “We filed this

Celebrities Politics

Angelina Jolie Tapped by George Bush to Replace John Bolton

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – A beleaguered and increasingly irrelevant George W. Bush has tapped Angelina Jolie to replace John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Mr. Bolton, 58, a man said to have few acquaintances and fewer friends in the U.N., resigned yesterday after sixteen months on

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Attends DAMM Meetings

Biff Scuzzy 379 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan has attended several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), a former assitant to the singer-actress revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Lohan meets with the group three or four times a week in “a couple

News

Rudy Giuliani Prostate Exam Reveals President Bush’s Image

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CRAWFORD, Texas – A medical image taken with the latest Ham-corder technology revealed an imprint of President George W. Bush’s face on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s prostate. The startling image, stolen from the office of a board-certified urologist in Crawford, Texas, where Mayor Giuliani is employed in the

Politics

October Surprise: President Bush Redesigns Monetary System

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WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush told an audience at a fundraiser here last night that he plans to redesign the United States monetary system, beginning with the ubiquitous dollar bill. Arguing that the dollar’s “cheesy appearance” is responsible for its poor showing against major currencies in world financial markets,

Music

Paul McCartney in Custody Fight over Heather Mills’ Breasts

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LONDON – The divorce battle between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills has apparently taken a turn for the strange. According to a document filed in London’s High Court Thursday, and leaked to a London tabloid Thursday night, Mr. McCartney is seeking “joint custodial oversight” of Ms. Mills’ breasts and “a

Celebrities

Paul McCartney Hit with New Abuse Charges from Heather Mills

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LONDON – Disturbing new charges of mental and emotional abuse have been leveled at Paul McCartney by his estranged second wife, Heather Mills. The charges were contained in an addendum to a thirteen-page court document filed previously by Ms. Mills, said London’s Daily Mail. A copy of the original document was