Biff Scuzzy – Page 8 – postcards from the pug bus

President Bush Issues Memorial Day Cell Phone Virus Alert

Biff Scuzzy 367 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush has warned Americans that the Memorial Day cell phone virus, the most virulent in-the-wild mobile phone virus yet discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teenagers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging vacationers across the land. During his weekly radio

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Splits from DJ Again, Another Book Is Blamed

Biff Scuzzy 373 Views 4 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Once again a book has come between author Nicole Richie and her ex-fiance Adam Goldstein. Ms. Richie, 24, and Mr. Goldstein, 33, were engaged in February last year; but he called it quits in December, one month after the publication of Ms. Richie’s first novel, The Truth about Diamonds.

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Outclassed by Brooke Shields in Family Faceoff

Biff Scuzzy 357 Views 1 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields have buried the olive branch and extended the hatchet, putting paid to their feud about the value of psychiatry and antidepressants. Yet if looking well is the best revenge, Mr. Cruise has clearly taken one in the shorts from Ms. Shields, whom he

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Britney Spears, Courtney Love Top Stretch Marks Poll

Biff Scuzzy 424 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Britney Spears and Courtney Love finished in a virtual dead heat in the Postcards from the Pug Bus First Annual Stretch Marks Poll. After studying the skanky photo on the left, 1,592 voters were asked whether Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Courtney Love, or Mother

News

Osama bin Laden Strategy for Coping with Rising Gasoline Prices

Biff Scuzzy 380 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing rising gasoline prices as the “greatest threat to our mission in the United States,” Osama bin Laden advised Al-Qaida members at work in America to walk or to ride bicycles when they visit Internet cafes to plan their next attack. “In your struggle to bring down

Culture

United 93 Audience Rushes Screen

Biff Scuzzy 371 Views 2 min read

MORGANTOWN, Penna. – Moviegoers at the Tri-County Multiplex rushed the screen during the 7:20 showing of United 93 Saturday night, shouting “let’s roll” and “death to all towel heads.” While most of the audience sat praying in its seats and some persons tried to phone loved ones, dozens of enraged persons ran

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Tells Yahoo Chat Room His Baby Has Lived Before

Biff Scuzzy 320 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise took time out from making a placenta casserole to visit with a Yahoo chat room audience last night. During the scheduled fifteen-minute session, sponsored by Yahoo News and Placentavite shampoo, Mr. Cruise answered several questions, about his religion and his past lives. The first questioner, TomKat45903

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Wax Figure Causes Stir at Madame Tussauds

Biff Scuzzy 390 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – Hundreds of people, some of them in wheelchairs and on crutches, lined up outside Madame Tussauds early this morning. They had come from as far away as New Jersey and Pennsylvania in response to rumors of miraculous cures effected by the recently unveiled Lindsay Lohan wax figure.

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson Fails Adoption Questionnaire

Biff Scuzzy 410 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Jessica Simpson stumbled over the first hurdle in her quest to adopt a Mexican baby. The singer-actress was able to answer only one out of eleven questions correctly on a preliminary adoption assessment form. The average score is 6.5. The passing grade is negotiable. A spokesperson for Ms.

News

Jerry Garcia’s Toilet Stolen, Bill Walton Is Suspect

Biff Scuzzy 410 Views 3 min read

SONOMA, Calif. – Jerry Garcia’s toilet is missing, and local police want to speak to hall of fame basketball player Bill Walton. The salmon-colored, guitar-shaped commode with a hand-painted peace sign on the underside of the lid disappeared recently from a driveway along with three other toilets and a bidet,

Religion

Pope John Paul II Fails to Deliver Miracles

Biff Scuzzy 416 Views 3 min read

ROME – This time last year the late Pope John Paul II appeared to be on the fast track to sainthood. Reports of two miracles alleged to have occurred at the pontiff’s tomb had Catholics the world over declaring that sainthood for their beloved pontiff was a done deal. In

Celebrities

Tom Cruise, Brokeback Mountain, Britney Spears Make Statements

Biff Scuzzy 378 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, Brokeback Mountain, and Britney Spears all made statements yesterday. We thought you’d like to know, and even if you pretend you wouldn’t, we’re going to tell you anyway. Mr. Cruise said recent stories that Katie Holmes will be expected to remain quiet when she gives birth

Culture

Lindsay Lohan, Sasha Cohen, Reese Witherspoon in the News

Biff Scuzzy 335 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Lindsay Lohan as Wonder Woman; Sasha Cohen as an actress; Reese Witherspoon as all three of Buck Owens’ wives in Hee Haw the Line. It could happen, and don’t say we didn’t warn you if it does. Ms. Lohan wants to show her acting range; Ms. Cohen wants a

Celebrities

Tom Cruise Courting Yahoo to Restore Image

Biff Scuzzy 405 Views 3 min read

SUNNYVALE, Calif. – Tom Cruise’ appearance at Yahoo’s Sunnyvale campus this week was calculated to achieve two effects. First, Mr. Cruise wanted desperately to call attention away from the season opener of South Park Wednesday night, an episode in which Chef, formerly voiced by Scientologist Isaac Hayes, is brain-washed into becoming a

Celebrities

Britney Spears on Hawaii, Orlando Bloom on Crack

Biff Scuzzy 339 Views 3 min read

MAUI – Britney Spears is quickly learning to appreciate the culture and customs of Hawaii, as the accompanying image shows. In that image Ms. Spears, wearing an autographed organic hat from Bono’s Edun collection, is cheerfully participating in the ancient Hawaiian wedding custom Wahuli Loma. According to Hawaiian tradition, newlyweds