Chip Hilton – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle: Breaking News

Chip Hilton 416 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. “Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock fingering, scat play, you name it and apparently ‘God will provide it’ through Christian Mingle,” said Pug Bus chief sex crimes investigator Warren T. Smith. “If god had a hand Read More

Pug Bus Pop Quiz

Prince Harry, Chelsy Davy Breakup Quiz

Chip Hilton 403 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Royal watchers have been off their HP Sauce since British tabloids began reporting over the weekend that Prince Harry and his current amuse-bouche, Chelsy Davy, have come a cropper—or cropped a comer, as the case may be. According to friends of the couple, Ms. Davy, 22, informed His Gingerness via text Read More

Culture

Facebook Considering Fuckbook Spinoff

Chip Hilton 418 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Surprised by some users’ reactions to the pornographic and violent images that appeared on Facebook recently, officials at the site are considering an adults-only version of Facebook, tentatively called Fuckbook. “To be honest,” said one Facebook official who asked to remain anonymous, “our site is the depository of dull. We’re nothing Read More

Sporting Life

Tim Lincecum Blames His Dog, Others for Trashing Townhouse

Chip Hilton 398 Views 2 min read

SAN FRANCISCO – Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum blames his dog, Cy, and others for the damage caused to a townhouse formerly occupied by Mr. Lincecum in San Francisco’s Mission District. In a disjointed phone call to The Jim Rome Show yesterday, Mr. Lincecum (13-14, 2.74 ERA) explained that his four-year-old French bulldog suffers from separation anxiety and Read More

Celebrities

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Mounting Remake of Don Quixote

Chip Hilton 444 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD – In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes’ 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work will begin soon on a major project—turning Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote into an action movie. “Tom really digs the parallels between Read More

Politics

Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas

Chip Hilton 428 Views 2 min read

AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq – President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning. “Shit yeah, it was a surprise all right,” said a top White House aide under promise of anonymity. “We told him he was going to Texas. You should have seen Read More

News

Moammar Gadhafi Obsessed with Condoleeza Rice

Chip Hilton 417 Views 2 min read

TRIPOLI, Libya – The scene inside Moammar Gadhafi’s man cave in his Bab al-Aziziya compound looked like the centerfold of Beggar’s Banquet, only worse. Rebel soldiers, having discovered Mr. Gadhafi’s collection of adult toys, were not hesitating to model them (the cock rings) or attack each other with them (the butt plugs). Amidst all this sweaty Read More

Celebrities

The Real Reason Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend Split

Chip Hilton 379 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States. Ms. Theron made that pledge after GLAAD had presented her with the Manguard award, a prestigious, yet lighthearted, honor given Read More

Celebrities

Charlie Sheen Questioned about His Missing Mercedes

Chip Hilton 436 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen is “a person of interest” in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen’s Hollywood home yesterday afternoon. When Mr. Sheen reported the car Read More

Celebrities

Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account

Chip Hilton 423 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me.” Before leaving Twitter, Ms. Read More

News

Police Searching for Stolen Breast Implants

Chip Hilton 442 Views 1 min read

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. – Police are searching for a pair of 38-D breast implants obtained under false pretenses earlier this month. The breasts were lifted from the Route 70 Center for Plastic Surgery by a thirty-year-old, red-headed woman who used a bogus ID to pay the first of three, easy $4,000 installments for body and fender Read More

Technology

Scientists Clone Monkey from Courtney Love Cells

Chip Hilton 420 Views 2 min read

PORTLAND, Ore. – Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have manipulated the DNA of skin cells obtained from Courtney Love to create monkey embryos from which stem cells were extracted three days later. This experiment, the first in which a primate embryo was created from a “superior species,” may lead to breakthroughs in the Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column

Chip Hilton 489 Views 5 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Lopez’ introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez’ newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled “Jennifer Lopez on All Fours,” will debut in the December issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines. “We are Read More

Culture

Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy

Chip Hilton 398 Views 2 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Gwyneth Paltrow’s halting performance in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, proves that Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he said, “One swallow does not make a summer.” Ms. Paltrow, 36, who won an Oscar for her portrayal of Viola de Lesseps in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love, is in way over her head in Read More

Celebrities

Chris Brown Bobblehead Doll Attacks Paris Hilton Doll

Chip Hilton 472 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Acme Doll Company. “It’s too early to say if the Chris Brown doll is a suspect in this case,” Read More